After living in Japan for a few years, and being in a long-term committed relationship with my Japanese partner here, I know a thing or two about dating and relationships overseas.
Coming from the US, I definitely noticed some romantic differences between home and Japan. In episode 10 of Bad Girlfriend Radio (listen above), I go into detail about my own experiences. You can hear my honest struggles in that episode, but here I’m rounding up some of the top differences and lessons I’ve learned.
1. Superficial Similarities Don’t Make a Relationship
Being from the same country, having the same skin color, or even liking the same music doesn’t really make a relationship. Of course, finding someone you can identify with in a sea of people you can’t communicate with (which might be the case when you live abroad!) can be comforting. But ultimately, sharing deeper values is more important for establishing a committed relationship.
2. Sexual Racism is Real
It’s not uncommon for people to describe a particular race or ethnicity as their “type.” But doing so is just another form of racial objectification.
Though I’m aware of the privilege that comes with being a white English-speaking American, in a country like Japan I am a minority. And this has made me stick out a lot, at times attracting some very unwanted attention from men. There are ideas floating around about how western women are more promiscuous, or how Americans are just somehow cooler. Or sometimes the exoticism of my light hair and blue eyes is just attractive to horny guys.
But when I’m only seen as being attractive for physical features that I don’t even have control over, I feel stripped of what makes me human, and what really makes me me. I’m viewed as being the same as every other white, western, American woman. To see everyone from a particular race as being exactly the same, void of any unique qualities, is harmful.
There may be some argument that, in a country like Japan, white western women are actually given more status, not less, which is why men may be interested in them. But from my own experience, I have been treated more as a sex worker or hostess at times rather than the girl you really wanna settle down with and take home to Mom (listen to this topic’s podcast for more detail). To be treated as no more than a sexual object doesn’t feel like status to me.
3. Gender Roles Are In Almost Every Culture – But You Don’t Have to Accept Them
Just like in most cultures, gender roles exist in Japan. Traditionally, and still today, men are typically expected to work out of the home and earn most of the family’s money. Women, then, are expected to be good mothers and either stay home or work part-time.
While this isn’t inherently bad, it doesn’t appeal to everyone – and it certainly doesn’t appeal to me. Rather than being expected to act a certain way based on my gender, I prefer to look at the personal preferences, skills, and interests my partner and I have as individuals.
So I was particularly annoyed when I was asked by multiple guys on dating apps to cook for them – sometimes even before ever meeting. But it’s a well-known fact that in Japan, women do most of the cooking and housework. Have you ever seen those cute bento lunches for kids? Those are basically always prepared by Mom, not Dad.
Instead of trying to conform to what was expected of me as a woman, I steered clear of men who pushed gendered roles. Just as I didn’t want to date someone who only valued me for being foreign, I also didn’t want to date someone who only valued me for adhering to traditional roles. My partner now has never pressured me to do anything or act a certain way only based on my gender, and I couldn’t settle for anything less than that.
4. Sometimes The Differences Aren’t Cultural
Though my partner is Japanese and I’m American, not all of our differences are a result of our nationalities. International relationships are like any other: you are two different people, and you won’t always agree.
I’m introverted, and my partner is extroverted. I’m organized, and he likes spontaneity. My music choice annoys my partner, while his random beatboxing annoys me (am I the only one dating a compulsive beatboxer?). But these differences have nothing to do with our cultures. As two different people with different tastes and personalities, we’ve had to learn about each other and stay open-minded. And this applies to all relationships, even if you’re from the same place.
5. Impressing the Family is Rough
I’m lucky that my partner’s family is kind and open to me, a foreigner, becoming part of their family. But even still, I was so nervous to meet them at first.
I had heard of rules pertaining to greetings, offering gifts, and how to properly enter a superior’s home in Japan – could I really follow all these rules when meeting my boyfriend’s parents? I was so nervous about not impressing them during the first scheduled meeting, I gave myself severe anxiety-induced nausea and cancelled. Eventually, I went on to meet the family, still nervous, but I overcame it.
Now, my biggest concern is the language barrier between us. Though my partner can speak English with ease, his family can’t, and my Japanese isn’t so great either. Though ultimately my relationship with my partner comes first, my relationship with his family is important too. Considering how to get along and communicate with them is a part of having a relationship in a different culture.
6. Your Deal Breakers Shouldn’t Change Because Your Address Did
Boundaries and establishing dating deal breakers is key to having healthy relationships. And just because your culture or country changes doesn’t mean your deal breakers should.
When I was single and meeting guys in Japan, I didn’t measure them by a scale different from the US. I didn’t drastically change my expectations just because they were Japanese. And I didn’t give disrespectful behavior a “pass” because the culture is different.
I had to honor myself and what made me comfortable. If there’s a part of another culture that makes me feel disrespected, I don’t have to accept it in my own life and relationship. For example, one guy I met criticized and talked down to me during our first meeting. Rather than wondering if that’s normal in Japanese culture, I simply decided that he wasn’t right for me. And when a male boss kept me late in the office after everyone else was gone and pressured me to go out with him, I decided to quit, regardless of if that may be normal in Japanese workplaces.
7. We Have to Have Each Other’s Backs
Quite frankly, Japan lacks in having a sisterhood. Companies and the government are run by men, businessmen outnumber the women on the trains, and women are usually expected to keep a low profile after having children. This society, and many others, is managed by men, for men. That’s why women have to have each other’s backs. There’s no reason to compete, compare ourselves, and knock each other down. We can be stronger by looking out for each other. Say something when another woman is being harassed. Support each other during good and bad times. Fight against sexism and discrimination together. And make time for friendship.