You must be clear with yourself about what you won’t tolerate in your partnership – if you don’t know your deal breakers, your partner won’t either.
When you’re in the dating phase, it’s easy to focus on the positive qualities a potential partner offers – they’re kind, has a stable job, probably doesn’t have a secret lovechild… you get the idea. But what about the deal breakers, the things that you can’t deal with in a relationship? These deal breakers can ground that dreamy infatuation that happens when a Tinder match is fresh, and they can keep you from being blindsided later on. Think of your deal breakers as your checklist for if someone is worth your time. Wasting several dates or even months with a new person, only to realize they are such a bad match can seriously sting.
Establishing your deal breakers can also help in already committed relationships, too. You must be clear with yourself about what you won’t tolerate in your partnership – if you don’t know your deal breakers, your partner won’t either.
Identifying Deal Breakers
The Fundamental 5
So how do you identify your deal breakers? First, there are some general deal breakers that I recommend for everyone and all relationships – romantic, friends-with-benefits, family, friends, you name it. These are the bare minimum to avoid for keeping relationships respectful and safe.
- They’re physically abusive, physically threatening, or otherwise don’t respect your physical being and health.
- They belittle you and your identity (for example, making sexist comments because you’re a woman, talking down to you, or not taking you seriously).
- They don’t listen to you, ignoring you and making you feel like what you’re saying isn’t important to them.
- They lie to you – even little white lies count. If little white lies were so little, they wouldn’t need to be a made-up lie then, would they? Even friends who repeatedly cancel plans and make up false excuses should be kept at a distance.
- They just make you feel weird or bad, even if you can’t explain why. If spending time with them makes you feel strangely insecure, humiliated, disrespected, or just somehow wrong, step back.
Pet Peeves, Triggers, & Other Deal Breakers
Next, consider what other points are important to you aside from the basic five. For you, it may depend on if your relationship is one you hope to keep long-term (such as in marriage and raising a family together), or if it’s just for fun and you aren’t counting on it lasting forever.
A study featured on psychologytoday.com breaks down common deal breakers into long and short-term relationships, which you can use as inspiration:
It’s also important to consider your own history and triggers with other relationships in your life. What behaviors or qualities from past romantic relationships do you refuse to ever deal with again? That’s a deal breaker. What was painful in your family life growing up that you don’t want to repeat in the future? That’s a deal breaker. What is something toxic that you’ve let go of friends for? That’s a deal breaker.
I have a few of my own deal breakers from my past. In a previous romantic relationship, I had a boyfriend who was emotionally avoidant – meanwhile, I leaned emotionally anxious. It wasn’t a good mix, and I know I can’t have another partner whose emotional switch is usually turned to “off.” If someone seems cold or like they shut down easily in exciting or high-stress moments, I know it wouldn’t work for me. Growing up, alcoholism was present in my family, and it caused many painful memories that I don’t want to relive in my adulthood. Because of that, I can’t commit to anyone who drinks heavily or seems to have an unhealthy or addictive relationship to alcohol. In friendships, I have distanced myself from friends who habitually gossiped about mutual friends, so I know that’s a deal breaker for future partners (and, of course, friends).
How to Discuss Deal Breakers With Your Partner
First, the basic five deal breakers given above should be common knowledge. You shouldn’t have to tell someone to not lie or be abusive, for instance. But some deal breakers are highly personal and differ between people. It’s important to give your partner a heads up on what is important to you – and what to avoid. With committed, long-term relationships, let your partner in on how deal breaker behaviors affect you and offer a specific action you’d prefer they take. It could go like this:
“You might not feel the same way, but when you don’t text me back all day, I feel really anxious. I don’t want to feel like that all the time and just want you to check in once. If you can’t, it’s a deal breaker.”
or even with something as awkward as hygiene (yeah, I’m going there):
“I was raised to brush my teeth twice a day, so to me that seems really normal. Could you try doing the same?”
With more casual partners, you may be a bit more flexible on some deal breakers, or you may want to simply give the partner up if they’re committing too many deal breaking crimes. Since these relationships are less close and committed, discussing their behavior is a bit more limited. But again, to be clear, every relationship – even one-night hookups – should be kept free of threats to your physical safety. Regardless of what your deal breakers are, you deserve better than that.