Getting married usually brings up images of wedding planning, enjoying a luxurious honeymoon, and settling into a home together as newlyweds. But what is discussed less often are the issues and growing pains couples face in their first months (and even years) of being married. Here are 5 of those common issues.
1. More Pressure = More Problems
Some couples may find themselves struggling with marriage problems that aren’t really marriage problems at all. In fact, many newlyweds may repeat some of the same disagreements and conflicts they experienced long before getting married, yet after tying the knot, those problems start to feel monumental.
This usually happens because one or both partners changed their expectations. They may think, “This problem should have been solved before we got married. Married couples shouldn’t have this problem.” But this thinking can add more pressure and more stress.
Whether you’re married or not, all relationships will have their struggles, and this has nothing to do with your legal status. Expect that there will continue to be some issues after getting married, and even expect that the first year will be one of the hardest.
2. Fear of Commitment
Getting married is one of the biggest ways to communicate your commitment to your partner, but what do you do if you suddenly feel afraid of that commitment after tying the knot?
If you feel uncomfortable or fearful of commitment after getting married, you may feel confused or even guilty for feeling this way. But realize that usually a fear of commitment is actually a fear of something else.
You may actually be fearing a loss of personal identity and independence. You could be afraid of being hurt or disappointed in the relationship. You may also be worried that you simply made the “wrong” life decision in getting married. Or, if you’ve witnessed a lot of relationships fail, you may be scared that your own marriage will eventually fail, too.
If you’re feeling uncomfortable with commitment, try to take your commitment one day at a time. Be committed today and take actions that reflect this commitment today. Then, do the same tomorrow, and then the next day. You don’t have to carry the weight of the entire future right now.
3. Decisions, Decisions
One of the most common marriage problems is struggling to make decisions together, and this is especially common for couples in their first year of marriage. Unmarried couples make decisions together, but often these decisions don’t feel as heavy as they do after marriage. And marriage may bring up some topics that weren’t an issue before: where to live, what kind of home to have, who will do what housework and when, how to budget finances, when to have kids…
Making big decisions is hard even as an individual, but once you factor in another person, those decisions become even more challenging to make. Having some disagreements around decision-making, especially soon after getting married, is completely normal.
4. Autopilot Relationships
I’ve talked about autopilot relationships before, and one of the easiest times to slip into autopilot mode is after getting married.
When you go on autopilot, you (and/or your partner) stop playing an active role in the relationship. You may give the other person less of your attention, and you may find yourself thinking about the relationship less.
Marriage can bring a feeling of comfort and security, and those are important feelings to have in a healthy relationship. But there’s a fine line between feeling comfortable and safe or simply taking the relationship for granted. If couples aren’t mindful, it can be easy to go on autopilot, leading to feelings of disconnection and even resentment.
5. Change & Grief
Society often displays the first year of marriage as being a time of newlywed bliss, but some partners and couples may feel shocked and confused when what they actually experience after getting married is grief.
All changes involve some loss – even if those changes are positive changes. Getting married can be a positive change, but it also requires a period of transition. In this period, it’s common to experience some grief.
If one or both partners are experiencing this grief, they may feel some friction in their marriage. They may question the marriage or grow distant from one another. But becoming aware – and accepting – these stages of transition allows couples to move through them more quickly.