As a coach, one of the most important aspects of my job is helping clients identify their own cognitive distortions. Often, we have cognitive distortions that we may think are rational, and even helpful, when in reality they’re typically not.
Assumptions and Why We Make Them
Assumptions are one of these common cognitive distortions. And like many other faulty thought patterns, many of us turn to assumptions to look for information or meanings that aren’t really there. We may jump to conclusions in an attempt to protect ourselves from future hurt and disappointment. And, as you can guess, relationships are often filled with assumptions.
While positive assumptions – like assuming your partner didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, or assuming a family member cares about you, for example – can be a healthy part of building trust in relationships, many of the assumptions we cling to are negative assumptions. Think back to your last argument with someone: how much of the argument was based on fact versus assumption?
Your Assumptions Are About You, Not Them
During tense conflicts, we often react with negative assumptions. And often, these assumptions say more about us than the other person. Let’s say, for example, that a friend hasn’t responded to the message you sent several days ago. You may start to make negative assumptions: they don’t want to talk to me, they don’t want to continue our friendship… These types of negative assumptions typically say more about our own fears than about the other person and their true motives or intentions. Maybe you’ve been ghosted by a friend before, or maybe you have a deeper fear of abandonment and rejection. Often, these fears and past experiences are projected in our assumptions of others.
Stick to the Facts
Next time you catch yourself making assumptions, instead try turning to the facts. Facts cannot be debated – you have all the evidence you need to prove them, without making any assumptions.
And remember that while assumptions and your thoughts or guesses may not be true, these three things are:
- your feelings
- your needs and boundaries
- your wants
This doesn’t mean all of your thoughts and judgments are facts, and sometimes differentiating these from feelings and desires can be tricky (and it’s something I recommend signing up for personalized coaching for if you need more clarity!). So let’s turn to an example:
Saying someone came home at midnight can be a fact, and this fact can be proven using a clock. Saying someone came home “too late” is no longer objective or factual because it’s based on an opinion. And finally, saying someone can home too late because they were probably cheating, or because they don’t love you, or any other thought that may come to mind, now becomes an assumption.
However, if you say that they came home at midnight, and you’re sad, that emotion itself isn’t up for debate. Or if you say that they were out all night, and it reminded you that you crave more quality time together, this need for quality time should also be respected and treated as true.
Let Go of Assumptions
When it doubt, then, let go of making assumptions and stick to the facts. Look to what information is always true and objective. Get to know your own emotions and desires, and honor these as a fact. And when you’re unsure, rather than jumping to conclusions, try staying curious. Sometimes, simply asking someone for an answer is all you need.