If you or your partner have dealt with feelings of being taken for granted, ignored, or unappreciated in the relationship, you are likely already familiar with how quickly these feelings can erode a relationship.
But these feelings are generally the sign of a bigger problem. In some cases, the relationship may be one-sided. But oftentimes, one or both partners have simply gone into “autopilot” in the relationship.
What is an autopilot relationship?
When one or both partners are running on autopilot in the relationship, they’re not playing an active role in the relationship. These relationships become less of a priority and more of an afterthought. The relationship is there, but there’s a lack of connection. I call these relationships autopilot relationships. Some people may have an autopilot relationship because they’re too busy, too distracted, or they believe that secure relationships simply don’t require much effort to keep them going.
However, even the most secure relationships require both people to play an active role. When you stop putting thought and time into it, the relationship becomes stale at best and toxic at worst. It’s typical that in these relationships at least one person feels taken for granted, and they may question if the relationship is worth continuing. If they decide to continue the relationship, they may act out in unhealthy ways, such as behaving more anxiously, growing resentful, or by matching the other partner’s autopilot state. In other words, one partner going on autopilot can create an autopilot relationship, where both partners stop trying to connect.
Signs of Autopilot Relationships
You may already suspect from the description above that you’re in an autopilot relationship. Here are some other signs to look for:
- one person feels that the relationship has become one-sided and/or they feel taken for granted
- one or both partners are too busy to make quality time together
- there is minimal affection and appreciation towards each other
- physical intimacy is routinely put on the back burner
- you feel that you are simply coexisting, not connecting anymore
- there is little growth or progress in the relationship, including working through disagreements and conflicts together
How To Fix An Autopilot Relationship
If the signs of an autopilot relationship sound familiar, there are several actions you and your partner can take to improve your relationship and rebuild connection.
To start, get intentional with what you want from the relationship. How was your relationship when it was at its best? What did you and your partner do when you were first dating? Answering these questions is a good start.
Schedule quality time together, and put a lot of thought into it. It can be especially helpful to try new things together or go to a new place together. Even having a date night at a different restaurant can increase feelings of excitement and connection. The effort put into setting aside special time together can be a great antidote to the tendency to go on autopilot.
It can also help to get familiar with what each other needs from the relationship. Know each other’s love languages, and even if you are low on time or energy, do small acts that align with what makes your partner actually feel loved. For example, if your partner really enjoys words of affirmation, take just a few minutes to write a meaningful note for them before you leave for work. These small acts can spark connection, even if you didn’t put that much effort or time into them.
If you’re in an autopilot relationship, make sure to prioritize communication. Take time to check in with each other about your individual lives, as well as any issues within the relationship. If you need some extra accountability so you don’t go into autopilot mode again, it can be helpful to book a regular session with a relationship coach or therapist to maintain consistent communication with your partner.
Finally, remember to play an active role in your relationship and stay present. When on autopilot, you may feel like you’re just watching your relationship happen, rather than playing any significant part in it. But even if your relationship seems fine without much effort, you’re missing out on connection and growth. So remember, by taking responsibility for your role, staying mindful, and being attentive to your partner’s feelings and needs, you can take a relationship off of autopilot and into deeper and more meaningful connection.