Selfishness is nothing to be proud of in relationships, yet advice circulating on self-love and self-care sometimes makes selflessness seem downright wrong. But in a world that increasingly celebrates having your own back, what relationships really need is a bit more giving.
In his book Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success, Adam Grant discusses the concept of giving, taking, and matching in professional and work organizations. But many of his findings can also be applied to romantic and personal relationships as well.
Givers, Takers, & Matchers
Adam Grant identified three types when it comes to exchanging value (or in the case of relationships, love) with others: givers, takers, and matchers.
Givers make up about 25% of the population, and they do just as their name sounds: give. They give selflessly to others without expecting anything in return. In relationships and social interactions, they try to find ways to be of value to others.
Takers are the opposite, taking selfishly to meet their own goals and needs. They search for how others can benefit them, with a what’s in it for me attitude. This self-centeredness doesn’t serve relationships, and thankfully they’re the least common type, at 20%.
Finally, there are matchers, the most common type. Matchers prefer fairness and justice, and they will match what others give and take from them. If they come across a giver, they will likely return the favor and give back. On the other hand, if they feel taken advantage of, they may try to get even and take something back – or avoid the taker entirely. They see relationships as being an even exchange and somewhat transactional this way.
Which Type Wins – and Loses
Out of these three types, unsurprisingly, givers often lose and get taken advantage of the most. But surprisingly, givers are also the biggest winners. If you want the best shot at a healthy, fulfilling relationship, it’s best to openly give and initiate giving, rather than waiting for a partner to give first. However, there are differences between the givers who get ahead in relationships and those who get hurt the most.
How To Be Selfless Without Sacrificing Yourself
If you want to be more giving in your relationship, and in life in general, follow these five tips to be a giver without giving too much.
1. Give from security, not insecurity.
When you give from insecurity, you are giving in order to feel loved or valued by another. In actuality, you don’t need to work to earn love. And similarly, you’re already valuable, without having to prove yourself. Give, instead, from security and self-worth.
2. Give to yourself.
Just because you give to others doesn’t mean you can’t give back to yourself. In fact, it’s essential for your own wellbeing to check in with yourself and give yourself what you need, whether that be rest, time to relax, a day to focus on a hobby… Do things for yourself, even if they don’t directly benefit others. Recharging and caring for yourself is valid and completely necessary.
3. Set boundaries.
It’s okay if you can’t give everything to everyone. Offer what you can and stick to your boundaries. For example, offer 5 minutes instead of 5 hours of your time. Say yes to what you can and want to say yes to – and say no to the rest.
4. Be a receiver too.
Just because you’re a giver doesn’t mean you can’t be a receiver too. This isn’t the same as being a matcher, because you’re not limiting yourself to simply matching what others offer. However, you’re still able to be a giver and sometimes ask for help too. And when your partner or anyone else offers you care and support, it’s okay to take it! You don’t need to feel guilty for needing others sometimes. After all, it’s a natural human need.
5. Don’t have a relationship with a taker.
Don’t date takers. Don’t have a relationship with a taker. Don’t give to takers. Period. Part of being a giver is being a giver to the right people, who you can build healthy relationships with. If you have a partner who is also a giver, there’s a good chance you have a healthy amount of affection and support for each other in your relationship. Having a matcher for a partner is okay, too, because they will likely try to match the acts of kindness and love you offer. But having a positive, balanced relationship with a taker is challenging at best, painful at its worst.