The basics of any language are yes and no, and one doesn’t mean anything without the other. If you can’t say ‘no,’ ‘yes’ loses all its meaning.
Communication is essential in everyday life, but it can get a little complicated in close relationships. How do you know if you’re doing it right or if the communication between you and your partner is effective? It can be hard to determine, especially if you’re not sure you’ve even seen good, clear communication. I, for one, know I’ve seen a lot of bad communication, with yelling, defensiveness, and stonewalling. But that’s only made me more motivated to get clear on what, um, clear communication is. Here I am, approximately 23,489,298 fights and awkward misunderstandings later, knowing more about communication than ever. Follow these ten rules to start improving your communication in dating and relationships.
1. Start with baby language.
The basics of any language are yes and no, and one doesn’t mean anything without the other. If you can’t say “no,” “yes” loses all its meaning. But if you exercise both of these words in your relationship (“Yes, I want to do this, but no, I don’t want to do that”), your partner will understand what you really desire. Do. Not. Be. Afraid. Of. No! “No” is your friend, and it’s not rude or mean to use it.
2. Move on to toddler language.
After “yes” and “no,” toddlers can say “I like” and “I don’t like” – super easy, right? And they’re also fundamental in clear communication. These phrases are great to use on a first date when talking about your interests. They’re great to use in bed. They’re great in basically every situation. It’s so important, too, to let your partner know what actions you like and don’t like. During an argument, it’s easy to put all the focus on what you don’t like. Then, our partners may feel like they’re just hearing criticism and never the positives. Balance is key: be honest about what doesn’t work for you, but don’t miss an opportunity to let your partner know how thankful you are, too. Say, “I like when you…” and fill in the blank with something as big or small as you wish.
3. Be kind, not polite.
In some cases, we’re taught to be polite in a way that is vague and kind of like walking on eggshells. This might translate well with a coworker or your grandmother, perhaps, but that’s nothing like your romantic relationships. Be kind – don’t be a jerk – but don’t hold back or sugarcoat to be polite. Quite frankly, your partner deserves your honesty.
4. Avoid indirect communication.
Indirect communication is almost as bad as no communication. Just as you should avoid being vague or unclear out of politeness, you must avoid indirect communication. No passive aggression. No “hints” or “signs.” Not everyone reads these signals the same way, even if you think your signals were super obvious. You know what’s really obvious? Saying what you really mean.
5. Communicate your feelings and expectations.
You’re in the right direction if you’re communicating how you feel. For example, it’s healthy to open up to your partner about how you feel ignored. But then tell them why. Tell them what action you don’t like and what action you do like (see, that toddler language helps everything). So, you can say something like, “I feel ignored lately when you’re busy on your phone, and it makes me feel unimportant. When we’re together, I’d like you to not use your phone, unless it’s an emergency.”
6. Give them your life’s big picture.
This one requires going deep. But when you feel open and comfortable, you may find it useful to communicate your personal history to your partner, the parts of your history that may be hard to discuss but are still relevant in your life today. Expressing the traumas and sensitive spots you have that may affect your relationship will help your partner understand you and your feelings better. For me, my boyfriend couldn’t understand why his late-night drinking bothered me so much. He was just having fun, he thought. But for me, it brought me back to the alcoholism and instability that accompanied it that I witnessed as a child. For me, that cuts deep. I explained how anxious it makes me so he could understand my big picture. Then, he could better understand that it’s not just about this seemingly small issue, but that for me it connects to a greater web of experiences and stress in my life.
7. Use “I” more and “you” less.
In difficult conversations or heated arguments, people don’t like to be blamed. When they see a finger pointing at them, they search for any sign of their innocence and start getting defensive. Then, two people are pointing the finger at the other and no progress can ever be made. So follow this rule: use “I” more than “you.” Turn the attention on your feelings and your experience, rather than what the other person did wrong. Even if they completely f-ed up, they won’t even be able to hear how they f-ed up if they’re busy building up their defenses. If they hear how hurt or inconvenienced you are, though, they may have more compassion and be able to hear your side better.
8. Recap each other’s story.
Explain your side, even with a timer if you’d like (I won’t judge), then your partner repeats it in their own words for clarity. Then they tell their side (again, with a timer if you want to be fair) and you repeat it back too. This improves active listening, allows everyone to be heard, and makes it easier to be on the same page.
9. It’s okay to bow out.
You can leave a conversation if it’s doing more harm than good. If your partner is being particularly defensive, or you need more time to process, excuse yourself from the situation. I wouldn’t recommend dramatically storming out, but say, “Let’s take a break from this conversation and try again later,” or, “I need some time to think.”
10. Don’t be distracted!
Turn off the TV, stop checking your phone, and look at your partner. This goes for both the light-hearted conversations you may have while spending time together, or during a tense talk.