Dating can be synonymous with dreadful nights with horrible guys or creeps sending way-too-direct flirty messages that you never asked for. But it doesn’t have to be like that. You can actually enjoy dating, stop wasting time on people who aren’t compatible with you, and start attracting high quality matches. Here are the shifts to start making now to transform your dating and love life.
1. Dating Is Work
Dating feels like work, I get it. But what if you made it meaningful work? What if you looked at it the same way you look at working out at the gym or putting in the hours to get a big project done?
Why see dating as just being fun? Honestly, it’s not always fun, but it’s meaningful, and it’s an opportunity to learn more about yourself too. And if going on dates feels too vulnerable, too stressful, or takes too much time, an actual relationship will probably be way too demanding for you right now. But if you can take it slow, check in with how you’re feeling, and keep embracing the challenge, it’ll pay off, just like that insane ab workout or practicing to perfect a new hobby. It takes time and effort, but it’s worth it.
2. Celebrate Your Single Life
Fun fact: being better at being single makes you better at dating. The more positivity you have in your single life, the more vibrant you’ll seem on dates.
When you hate being single, and you’re looking to someone else to turn your life around for you, you’ll probably lack confidence on your dates, and your dates will pick up those scarcity vibes. But if you can celebrate your single life, dating won’t feel like so much pressure, and you won’t be swiping for matches to fix you and your empty life. When you are desperate for someone, anyone, to keep you from feeling lonely or unhappy, you’re more likely to match with the wrong kind of guy, the ones who will take advantage of you and manipulate you. You know you deserve better than that.
So how can you start celebrating your single life? While you’re dating, remember to focus on yourself, focus on areas of self-improvement you may have, and prepare yourself to be the best version of who you naturally are. Then, when you do have a date or you’re getting messages from people, you can show up stronger and more confident. It’s not just for the sake of impressing anyone – it’s for yourself too. Get your life foundation together first, because the stronger that is, the stronger any future relationships can be too. To help with this, I have a free downloadable checklist of the top five things you need before committing to a new relationship.
3. Dating Isn’t a Test
Have you ever been on a date and found yourself overthinking what the other person is thinking, how they’re judging you, and how you should act to impress them? Have you read women’s magazine articles about what weird body language tricks to try or the exact outfit formula that you should wear on a date?
Today, I’m giving you permission to stop looking at dates as a test. You don’t need to study how to act, and you don’t need to stress over how much your date likes you or not. Dating is your chance to decide who you like, and you call the shots just as much as they do.
You might be thinking a lot about how you come off, what kind of impression you’re making, and really second-guessing yourself. But you can’t make decisions for the other person, no matter how hard you try to be likable. Instead, just focus on making decisions for yourself on these dates, and after the dates finish too, you can decide who you like and want to see again. Have your idea in your head of what you’re looking for, be aware of your deal breakers, and judge them against that.
And don’t discount how important your own feelings are. See what feelings come up when you’re together: excitement? Nervousness? Suspicion? Turn to your own thoughts and feelings, not what your date thinks and feels. Of course, be self-aware, and don’t be a selfish jerk. But allow yourself to let go of who you think you’re supposed to be to impress a guy. Release some of that pressure off yourself to be the perfect date, and remember you have the space to decide what you want. You have a lot of power on dates, so don’t disempower yourself. Have your own back.
4. Focus on Your Goal
You wanna start dating, or you want to start having better dates, but why? What is your goal, or what is your intention? Like I said before, dating can be fun, but it’s not all fun – and sometimes when we follow what’s fun in the moment, but we’re really looking for a long-term partner, we end up settling for less. And then disappointment and dating burnout strikes.
Think of what kind of relationships you’re open to. Think of the qualities you’re looking for that your ex lacked, or think of the deal breakers you won’t fall for again. Then, with those points as your compass, only leave room for the matches that, well, match. You don’t need to sample a bunch of guys if you don’t want to.
And plus, being clear about what you’re looking for can help you see through people’s BS, too. A lot of low quality f*ckbois won’t waste time on someone who is picky (and being picky isn’t a bad thing anyway), confident, and clear. But they will prey on women who are unsure of what they want, giving too much, and putting them on a pedestal. And more than that, being clear with yourself about your own goals and boundaries helps you to keep yourself accountable.
5. Leave Room for Quirks
If you find that you’re attracting a lot of hookups, casual partners, f*ckbois, and guys who ghost you, even though you’re looking for a serious partner, you may be dismissing decent guys because of differences or quirks that really aren’t that important.
Let me explain: sometimes, we’re so set on finding our perfect soul mate (which doesn’t really exist) that we immediately dismiss good guys for something a little unexpected. It can take time to learn about a potential partner’s personality and quirks, but sometimes we just don’t want to. Sometimes, we don’t want to deal with the introverted guy when we’re extroverted. Or we don’t want to try to figure out a date’s lame Dad jokes when our sense of humor is dry and sarcastic.
So we dismiss decent guys for not-so-significant differences, instead choosing the charming guy who treats us how we expect, and makes all the right jokes at the right time. But these guys who seem so perfect and charming and gentlemanly are sometimes that way not because they’re genuinely kind and caring, but because they’ve practiced a lot. With a lot of girls. I’m not man slut-shaming here: I’m f*ckboi shaming.
Remember, then, that the guy well-versed in picking up girls may initially seem more attractive, but the quirky guy may be a better fit after all. If your ultimate goal is to find a long-term partner, always remember that they will be flawed and imperfect. Focus, then, on finding someone whose flaws you can accept and love and deal with in a relationship day-after-day. Flaws like dishonesty, keeping your relationship a secret, hot-and-cold behavior, or making you feel manipulated or confused by their intentions are the kind of f*ckboi qualities you should watch out for.