If you’re passionate about a particular social cause or political belief, chances are you find it really frustrating when a loved one can’t understand your stance. Even more, being in a romantic relationship with someone who disagrees with your social and political opinions can cause a lot of conflict and heated debates.
But there are ways to deal with these differences – and also some ways to know when it’s time to end a relationship with someone you can’t see eye-to-eye with. Read on for more.
How To Discuss Politics & Social Issues When You Disagree
When it comes to discussing divisive topics with a partner or loved one, prioritize understanding over being right. Aim for a discussion that honors both people and perspectives over an I’m-right-you’re-wrong debate. Do this by spending 50% of the conversation on asking questions about the other person’s personal experience with the cause or topic at hand, and 50% on discussing your own.
For example, let’s say that you disagree with your partner on abortion access: they’re pro-life and anti-abortion, while you’re pro-choice. Ask them questions about how they learned about abortion, how their beliefs impact them personally, and how they’ve personally witnessed or experienced a decision to have an abortion or not (while also respecting any personal details they may choose to keep private). Don’t ask hypothetical questions (“But what if you couldn’t afford to give birth? What if you had a health issue? What if you were sexually assaulted?”), because such questions aim not to understand the other person, but instead to prove them wrong. Remember, it’s not about who is “right” or “wrong.”
Then, discuss your perspective and personal experiences too. You could explain, for example, that you’ve supported a close friend through making the tough decision to have an abortion, and you related to her and her experience. You may say that you would want to have a similar option available if you unexpectedly conceived.
When (and How) To Educate Someone on a Social or Political Issue
In conversations about social and political differences, remember to focus on the humanity and personal experiences behind beliefs, rather than arguing or explaining why someone is wrong (as explained above). However, you may find that the other person is misinformed or uneducated on the topic at hand, and you may feel the need to help them learn more.
It is okay to direct your partner or loved one to educational resources, but keep this tip in mind: ask permission. For example, if they are misinformed about abortion, you may have the perfect article, book, or documentary in mind to send them. But rather than lecturing them to visit a link or pressuring them to read more, ask if you can send them a link, or gently recommend a documentary if they’re interested in learning more.
This approach is helpful for two reasons. First, it gives them the space to learn more in their own time, without feeling pressured to give you an immediate response. This way, they’ll be more inclined to keep an open mind and less likely to act defensively. Second, your partner or loved one may be more likely to trust and listen to a professional source of information that provides detailed and specific statistics, examples, images, etc., rather than if you try to explain this information to them. It’s kind of like getting medical advice from a friend or a doctor – even if the advice is the same, you’re probably going to listen more intently to the doctor.
Setting Boundaries Around Differences
It’s important to give each other space to have different opinions, assuming that your differences aren’t enough to end the relationship. Respect boundaries around your differences. For example, if you have opposite political orientations, consume your news separately and avoid turning the TV on right or left-leaning news channels when you’re together. Or if one person is a vegetarian while the other isn’t, avoid going to a steakhouse together. Discuss and set the boundaries necessary to maintain your relationship despite your differences.
Focus on Similarities
One tip to manage differences is to find similarities instead. This isn’t to say that you should ignore your differences, but rather than dwelling on them, take time to consider the commonalities that brought you together in the first place. For example, you may have different political views than your partner or loved one. Your reasoning is that you care about freedom and citizen’s rights, and their reasoning may also be about freedom and citizen’s rights. You may share values, even if how you view them or how you solve issues may be different.
When to End a Relationship Over Different Opinions
Not all differences can be managed in a healthy way, and not everything is open for “agreeing to disagree.” If you’ve been deeply impacted by a certain cause or social issue, you may not want to tolerate anyone who can’t understand. Especially if you’ve experienced trauma, it can be exhausting to try to get someone to understand when they’re not open or receptive to your experiences and feelings.
You may also find that you try to have calm and fair conversations about important political or social beliefs, but the other person is consistently combative and hostile, to the point of being disrespectful.
With these types of relationships, it may be healthier for you to distance yourself from the other person. Prioritize honoring your own experiences and values over trying to “keep the peace.” And if you decide that some issues are too important to you to disagree on, that’s okay – your deal-breakers are yours to decide.