I’ve always believed that it’s not really marriage that changes a couple but living together. Once you live together, you find out more about your partner’s habits, cleanliness level, and overall lifestyle. This is also a great way to see how those aspects differ from yourself, for better or for worse. Especially when it comes to chores, errands, and domestic duties.
If you’re reading this, I assume you’re the one most concerned with the chores and household responsibilities. For women with male partners, studies still show that they do more housework and the men do considerably less. This guide is with us ladies in mind. But if you’re, in fact, the more relaxed one and your partner is the neat freak, read this from their perspective.
Step 1: Tackle Your Mindset
Let’s be real: dividing up chores with your partner is super unromantic and can stir up a lot of disagreements. To calm some stress, tackle your mindset first.
Different Values & Expectations
First, recognize that your partner may not be wrong in how they choose to do housework, but you’re not either. Having different values and expectations are just that: different. For me, I do half of my work from home, so having a clean space makes me feel less distracted and more productive. My partner, on the other hand, comes home from a long day in the office and expects to be able to relax. Not only that, but he also values freedom from someone telling him what to do at home. He wants to choose when to clean based on how he feels. I expect a clean space on a daily basis. And what I think is “clean” may be different from my partner’s definition. Both of our values and expectations are valid, but to work with our differences, we may need to compromise.
Compromise
Just because I’m the cleaner partner doesn’t mean it’s fair for me to do all the housework. Communicate your expectations and that an organized home life is important to you, and ask your partner to meet you in the middle. What can you give up? Can you accept dirty socks left on the living room floor sometimes? Can you start to expect – and be okay with – your partner leaving a couple dirty dishes in the sink overnight? On the other hand, is dirty laundry all over the sofa or dishes sitting in the sink for 24 hours too much? Your partner needs to compromise, too. Because you may have different expectations of cleanliness and order, communicate specifically what crosses the line for you. Agreeing to compromise while still ensuring that basic household tasks get done will benefit you and your partner.
Don’t Ask For Help
Does this one surprise you? Allow me to explain. Many of us want equal relationships that don’t follow traditional gender roles and norms. That means the household duties are the responsibility of both partners. But have you ever asked for “help” with those responsibilities? When you ask, “Can you help me with the dishes?” or say, “I need your help with the trash,” you’re taking more responsibility for the task, and your partner is just the helper. Even if you have an open, feminist-minded partner, when you ask for their “help,” they may fall back (even subconsciously) on the notion that this is the woman’s area of expertise and they don’t need to worry with it much. You will be like their mother, and they then don’t need to take initiative around the house. Nope, nope, nope.
Stop Criticizing
My final note on your mindset is this: don’t criticize your partner if they don’t do something exactly as you would. There’s a difference between your partner genuinely trying to, say, clean the dishes but accidentally leaving a bit of food behind, or your partner not giving a damn, rushing through the task, and leaving you with more to do later. Don’t criticize a partner that truly tried. Realize they might not see the same details you do. They’ll be less motivated to try at all if they can expect it to never be good enough for you.
Step 2: Choose Your Method
Imagine this scenario: a couple lives together, but they keep fighting about chores and errands. The woman sees what needs to be done and often finds herself actually doing it, while the guy just doesn’t. He doesn’t seem to see the mess. He doesn’t seem to notice the fridge is empty. And he just doesn’t do anything as a result.
Does that sound familiar? Much of the fighting in relationships regarding household responsibilities occurs because chores and errands are just done as needed. You’re hungry, so you go to the supermarket, cook the food, and then clean the dishes after. That’s actually three different tasks in response to being hungry and needing to eat. But we can predict that we’ll get hungry. Similarly, we can predict that the floor will get hairballs every week, so it should be vacuumed once a week. That’s why you need a method for how to tackle all these tasks with your partner that’s decided in advance. Doing the tasks as they come up may leave one person doing more work than the other, especially if one person isn’t as organized or proactive. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all method, so choose – with your partner – what works best for your relationship.
Taking Turns
This is simple, but fair. Take turns and discuss how often you expect each chore or errand to be done. It could go like this: “We will do the laundry two times a week. I did the laundry a few days ago, so now it’s my partner’s turn.”
Divide By Task
Divide by task based on what you enjoy, are good at, or just fits your schedule better. That way, if something is getting neglected while the rest of the home is organized, it’s pretty obvious who needs to step it up. For example, if my partner agrees to always be in charge of cleaning the shower, and the walls start to collect mold, my partner will be responsible for cleaning it ASAP.
Tag Team
Agree to work together on all household responsibilities. For example, one person cooks the meal, and the other will do the dishes after. One partner washes the laundry, and the other partner folds it when it’s dry. For more deep-cleaning or time-consuming items, set aside a day each week to tag team, working together until the entire home is finished.
Dividing Based on Free Time
Consider who has more time. If one partner is regularly clocking overtime hours, and the other is working fewer hours, you may decide that the one working less can do more housework. However, work done at home is unpaid work, so only agree to this if both partners feel comfortable with the arrangement. If one person feels that they are regularly contributing more, it’s reasonable that they may grow bitter or resentful later on. However, if you are sharing your income, you may agree that it’s okay for the partner working less outside the home to pull more weight in the house.
Pay to Have It Done
A final option to free up time is paying to have your chores done for you. This could mean paying a housekeeper to come to your home, but it can also be something smaller or cheaper. For example, you can send your high-maintenance clothes to the cleaner’s or have your groceries delivered. You could hire a dog walker or replace your old-school vacuum with a Roomba. Taking some of the work out means more flexibility and time spent with your partner doing what you like.
Step 3: Make Your Plan
After understanding each other’s expectations, compromising, and choosing your method, you must make your plan to make sure both partners are held accountable.
First, make a list of all the things that need to be done on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis. Sometimes, this makes it more clear to the *lazier* partner how much work is required to keep your home functioning and free of gross smells and cockroaches. The list puts it into perspective.
Then, decide what schedule you’ll stick to and how often to do each item. Consider downloading a shared scheduling app or buying a calendar to take note of who will do what and when. This can include meal planning, who will vacuum and on which day, and who will wash the dishes each day. Why not throw a date plan in there too? Reward yourselves and remember that your relationship isn’t just about dividing up chores.
Lastly, when making your plan, remember to respect your individual schedules. I am happy to wake up at 8:00 on Saturday morning and start doing laundry, but my partner isn’t. However, he doesn’t mind going to the supermarket after work when I’m usually too tired. Be realistic and consider your own schedules and styles.
In the end, the most important thing is not a perfect home space, but being able to problem solve and work together through the messes. As life’s demands and schedules change, our chore schedule may have to adapt, too.