Breakups are hard, and it’s even harder when you can’t stop thinking about your ex. Whether you miss them and secretly want them back, or you feel deep animosity and anger towards them, it’s time to get over them. Use these steps to finally start letting go of your ex and gaining yourself back again.
Get Rid of the Evidence
You don’t need any unnecessary reminders of your ex clogging up your physical and mental space. Get rid of gifts they gave you, letters they wrote, and cards they sent. Delete pictures of you together on your phone, or at the very least, store them on a USB stick somewhere you won’t be tempted to look.
Social media should also be cleansed of their presence: unfriend them, unfollow them, or even block them altogether. And in-person contact of course counts too, so if you share friends, stop hanging out together as a group.
Basically, all lines of contact must be removed from your life. Sometimes, it’s tempting to keep contact open, because once we don’t have it, it becomes real that we’ve really lost the other person. But even if you think that sending friendly messages is innocent enough, you’re still giving your energy to something that is a part of your past – not your future. Instead, redirect your energy to something else that serves you, like reading an empowering book or listening to Bad Girlfriend Radio (shameless self-plug alert!) every time you feel the urge to look them up online or send a message.
Find Purpose in Your Breakup
I know, I know: breakups suck. They hurt. They’re hard. But there is absolutely, 100% a silver lining and a purpose for it.
First, think of the things you didn’t like about your ex. Think of the reasons that they weren’t so compatible with you, or personality traits that you found difficult to deal with.
Also consider what you are now able to do without your ex. Relationships can take a lot of our time and attention, but now, without that relationship, you can focus on other things important to you. This could mean finally making time for an evening pilates class you’ve always wanted to try, or going out dancing with your girlfriends more.
Lastly, create goals for yourself. You may have already had goals when you were with your ex, and that’s great – don’t lose sight of them now! Make sure you have a combination of short-term and long-term goals. Short-term goals (such as learning to cook a new meal, networking with people you admire in your industry, or creating a new workout routine) allow you to get quick satisfaction and even a feeling of self-validation. This helps to turn the focus on you and your own capabilities, not your ex. Long-term goals can help you to see a better future for yourself, long after your ex is gone from your life.
Know Your Deal-Breakers
You may or may not feel ready to date again yet, but now is still a great time to think about potential future partners. More specifically, think about what you don’t want to tolerate in a future partner. Get clear on your deal-breakers (read all about how to do that here), and keep these in mind for anyone you meet from here on out. You can even use things you didn’t like about your ex as inspiration – don’t worry, that’s not cheating.
Identify Why You’re Holding on
This last step is big, but it’s the key to moving on: identify what is keeping you holding on to your ex. What about yourself or your life are you dissatisfied with?
It may be loneliness, boredom, a feeling of lost identity, of a fear of meeting new people and trying new things without someone to comfort you. Often, relationships become a band-aid to help us manage and distract ourselves from these uncomfortable feelings. Then, once we break up with a partner, we must again face the conditions that we aren’t satisfied with about ourselves and our lives.
Identify what feelings and fears you’re experiencing without your partner. Then, returning to the step of creating short-term goals, use these to help you create healthy new goals. For example, it may be hard to let go of your ex because you feel lonely and isolated. You may, then, create a goal to attend a meet-up event every other weekend or contact a friend who you haven’t spoken to lately.
Finding the reasons why you’re holding on to your ex may take time, but it’s worth the work. After all, once you reach the other side after letting go of them, you can finally return to yourself again.