It’s normal and healthy to experience a range of emotions, including anger. But too much anger can interfere with our mental and physical health. When you hold on to anger, it can become exhausting both emotionally and physically, leading to an increase in depression, anxiety, muscle tension, blood pressure, and other ailments.
So even while anger isn’t all bad, too much can become unhealthy. And if you’re at this point, you probably know it: you likely want to let go of anger. But how?
Anger vs Compassion
As a relationship coach, the anger that I am most familiar with is the anger people hold towards other people in their lives. They may feel angry at their partner, and they repeat the same fight over and over again in their relationship. The anger could also be towards a family member, friend, coworker, or someone from their past. When we hold anger towards others, it’s often because that person hurt us.
Our feelings of hurt and anger are valid. But when those feelings become too heavy, rather than clinging to anger, try turning to compassion. When you view the other person compassionately, it’s difficult to simultaneously remain angry. Compassion might not eliminate anger completely, but it softens it – and it can do so within seconds.
How To Release Anger Quickly
If you want to stop feeling weighed down by anger, try this quick compassion exercise:
First, imagine the person who angers you. Picture them and their face in your mind.
Now, imagine that same person as a child. Imagine what they looked like, what their life was like, how they felt, and what they may have experienced. Imagine their face as a 3 year-old, a 5 year-old, a 10 year-old… Even if you didn’t know them as a child, imagine what they may have been like. Consider any information that you know about them, and paint a picture for what they may have struggled with as an innocent child.
Now, think back to the adult version of them that you’re familiar with. Note that there is a thread between that adult and the child they once were. And become aware that many of our most unhealthy or hurtful behaviors stem from something that a) hasn’t healed since childhood and/or b) wasn’t fully developed in childhood.
Forgive, But With Limits
When you realize that someone else’s hurtful behavior may come from their own childhood hurt or struggles, it’s easier to form a compassionate response to them. This can make releasing anger and even allowing forgiveness much easier.
However, remember that your own feelings are still valid, and it’s sometimes necessary to let go of anger, as well as letting go of the person who triggered it. Just because you can view someone with compassion doesn’t mean that you must tolerate their behavior.
And as you may be able to imagine the inner child in them that led to who they are today, be careful to not take on a parent role to them. In other words, it is not your responsibility to treat them as a child, even if you can feel compassion for the childish actions they may take now. It is okay to set boundaries, teach them how to treat you, and voice your needs with them. But it isn’t your responsibility to become their parent or teacher.
And sometimes, it may be best to let go of a relationship with someone who consistently angers you. For example, if they make no effort to change disrespectful behavior, it’s okay to let that person go, as well as letting go of anger by practicing compassion towards them.
For more on anger and an example of the exercise above, listen to episode 57 of Bad Girlfriend Radio.