Whether you’re starting to date or in a committed relationship, a common concern is that you might lose yourself in your love life. But what does this mean?
If you lose yourself in a relationship, there’s an imbalance between maintaining your own individual identity and maintaining the relationship. Being in a relationship does require some compromise and consideration for the other person, but too much can lead to some unhealthy consequences.
Examples of Losing Yourself in a Relationship
Losing yourself in a relationship can take on many different forms. It might mean giving too much (attention, time, sacrifices, whatever) in order to please your partner. It could also mean copying a partner’s interests or preferences. Some people identify losing themselves in one-sided relationships where they were giving, while not receiving much in return, and they felt that they were single-handedly managing the relationship.
Losing yourself might also look like losing the confidence and self-esteem you once had. Personal goals may start to become replaced with goals of being the perfect partner, or your goals start to come second to your partner’s goals. Losing yourself could also look like hesitating to make decisions on your own without consulting with your partner.
Why People Lose Themselves in Romantic Relationships
There are a variety of examples of what losing yourself in a relationship might look like. Similarly, there are a variety of reasons for why you might have this problem.
People Pleasing
People pleasers are motivated by receiving the approval and acceptance of others, and they’re afraid of disappointing others or being disliked. This is exactly why they are at risk of losing themselves in a romantic relationship.
If you habitually put others first, have trouble being firm on boundaries, and often say “yes” when you want to say “no,” you may be a people pleaser. But remember, always putting someone else first means putting yourself last. And then, you may feel like you’re losing yourself in your relationship. Even if people pleasing seems innocent enough (who doesn’t like getting along with others?), you may be burying your own needs. Then, your partner may not know what you really want, and your true desires are left neglected.
Insecure Attachment
Attachment theory says that we each have a particular style for how we attach to others, and one of those styles is the insecure attachment style. Those with an insecure attachment style often fear losing a relationship and may behave anxiously as a result. They may overthink, make confusing bids for attention, and come off a bit needy. Then, when their anxious behavior doesn’t result in receiving the attention they crave, they may feel unloved.
If this sounds like you, just being able to identify your insecure attachment style is a good start. Then, you can look at your own anxious thoughts and fears with clearer self-awareness and understanding.
Lacking Inspiration & Motivation
Whether you’re a natural follower, or you’re feeling down about life lately, you may have a tendency to look to others for inspiration and motivation. If you’re feeling bored with your current options, it can be exciting to find a Bumble match or romantic partner who can inject some refreshment into your life.
It’s healthy to take some influence from others and be open-minded to new ideas and interests. But if you consistently look to someone else to help you choose a hobby, interest, or even career path, you’ll probably be left feeling like you lost yourself.
Lost Confidence & Disempowerment
Lack of confidence and empowerment while dating or in a relationship can make it easy to lose yourself in someone else. But it’s important to note whether this lack of confidence came before or after the relationship began.
Often, we can lose our confidence when we listen to fears. Typically, these fears aren’t caused by the relationship itself, but we carry them into a relationship, potentially turning them into a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, you may have a fear of losing your freedom or being controlled as a result of being in a couple. You may fear that someone else won’t be attracted to you (physically, or otherwise) once you open up and get closer. If you’re a people pleaser or have an insecure attachment style, you may be particularly fearful of your partner not needing or loving you anymore. You may also be fearful of a new partner acting like an old ex who hurt you.
These fears can erode confidence and cause relationship anxiety. That may, in turn, actually affect the health of a relationship. And of course, these fears can cause you to feel like you’ve lost yourself. But it’s worth examining if your thoughts and confidence changed after a relationship, too.
If you entered a relationship with healthy self-esteem, but your partner has hurt or betrayed you, you may feel that you’re losing your confidence – and your emotional health. A toxic relationship that lacks trust can of course cause a feeling of losing yourself, and in this kind of relationship, serious work may need to be done by both partners to rebuild connection again. But in the event of an abusive relationship, the only way to find your way back to yourself again is to completely change the relationship environment, and in many cases, to leave the relationship entirely.
How To Not Lose Yourself
There are some general things you can do to avoid losing yourself – or to find yourself again.
First, consider when you feel most yourself. Or, consider a time in the past when you felt most in tune with yourself. What factors allowed for that freedom of expression and sense of self? Tap into that if you’re feeling lost. You may want to also brainstorm what dreams and goals you have outside of your love life. Self-care, too, can help you to stay in touch with yourself and your own fulfillment. You can download a free checklist to the five things you need to help maintain self-care and self-love, regardless of your relationship status.
For those in the process of dating or starting a new relationship, take things sloooow. Avoid rushing, and even when you feel tempted to overthink, observe your anxieties and fearful thoughts without judgment.
Even for those who are already coupled up, question the fears that you may hold about relationships and see how they may be affecting how you feel and think. There’s no shame in having some fears, but be mindful of those fears and how they may be driving your actions. When overthinking leads to over-responding and overreacting, it’s easy to lose yourself and your wellbeing.
Finally, if you feel that you’re losing yourself as a result of being betrayed or hurt by your current partner, talk to them. Use the six steps outlined here to navigate a discussion on how you’re feeling. And if your relationship has turned abusive in any form, remember you don’t have to stay in it.