Are you in a one-sided relationship? Here are some major hints that you might be:
- you feel like you’re putting a lot of work into the relationship, while the other person isn’t putting forth much effort
- it’s difficult to get your partner’s attention, even when you most need it
- you can see problems in the relationship, but when you tell your partner what’s on your mind, they don’t seem concerned
- you’re putting a lot of time into the relationship, while your partner seems too busy…
- … and you’re the one initiating most of your time together
If these sound like you, you may be in a one-sided relationship. And to put it bluntly, one-sided relationships suck.
But it takes two people to create a one-sided relationship. If you’re the one who feels like you’re not getting as much from your partner as you’re giving, you can help to make changes in your relationship – don’t just wait for your partner to step it up.
The 4 Types of One-Sided Relationships
There are different types of one-sided relationships, each with different reasons for creating this lopsided dynamic. Let’s break them down, starting from the easiest to solve down to the most challenging (including the one that might just be best ending in a break-up).
1. Seasonal
If you’ve been with your partner a while, you may have already experienced some ups and down together, and you’ve seen them be a loving, caring, present partner. But now, it feels different. Lately, they’re not as available to you, and maybe they’re coming off a bit guarded or irritable. Maybe it seems that they want more space. And out of all of this, you feel less connected, and you miss how things felt before. Maybe it looks like their feelings for you have diminished, but you still desire them and their attention just as much as before. This kind of one-sided relationship can make you feel blindsided, hurt, and maybe even suspicious of your partner.
But this kind of relationship change can be totally normal. Here’s why: for one thing, in new relationships, infatuation is at an all-time high, but that infatuation doesn’t last forever. And it shouldn’t. It’s good for getting us interested in each other initially, but as you get closer, a deeper, calmer bond often replaces that frenetic infatuation. We get more comfortable and therefore we might not be obsessively trying to see each other all the time anymore. We may start to approach life with a bit more balance compared to when we first met.
And not only that, as we progress in a relationship, we see each other through more tough and stressful times. And that’s where the seasonal one-sided relationship kicks in: if there’s work stress, money problems, or family problems, it can seep into the relationship, and the relationship may suffer. This isn’t necessarily catastrophic, though, at least as long as it’s just seasonal. We all have rough patches, and we all have seasons where there’s more stress, a more demanding work schedule, or where we’re struggling with something difficult in our personal life.
So if that sounds like your partner, and they’ve been going through a rough time, that may have made them show up less in the relationship, making you feel like you’re pulling all the weight.
This can be frustrating, and you may even feel hurt by this seasonal change. But it’s also worth recognizing what issues your partner may be dealing with outside of the relationship. If they’re trying their best, and still showing kindness and respect, try to ride out the season. The problem is when it’s no longer just a season, but a long-term habit, which we’ll get into later.
2. “I’ll Love You, Not Myself”
This one-sided relationship occurs when one person is very giving and invested, but not just out of love for their partner – they’re so giving and invested in the relationship also out of lack of self-love.
The giver in this relationship may have an anxious attachment style, where they seek connection with their partner out of insecurity. This isn’t uncommon or anything to be ashamed of. But when in a one-sided relationship, one person is giving way more than the other person to distract from their own lack of self-love, or to overcompensate for feelings of insecurity, that’s where we may have some work to do.
If this sounds like you, your relationship may feel one-sided, but there’s a lot you can do to improve the relationship and rebalance it through focusing on yourself more. Only giving to your partner or to the relationship without nourishing yourself can create a messy, entangled relationship, or even a codependent relationship, and I know those aren’t the kind of relationships you’re trying to create. I know you’re aiming for a healthy, committed relationship by giving so much, but you’re more likely to have that kind of relationship when you start giving to yourself too, outside of the relationship. Define yourself outside of your partner. You can get started with creating a healthy foundation and more balanced relationship with my free guide and checklist – download it here.
3. Love Language Barrier
In this one-sided relationship, you and your partner are both committed to each other and prioritize the relationship, but you have different styles of giving and receiving love. Because you have different styles, it may appear that one person is more engaged or trying harder, when in fact it’s just a difference in how that love is expressed.
You may already know about love languages. Gary Chapman defined five love languages, which are the most common ways that people give and receive love. They include words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, spending quality time together, and using physical touch. Understanding how your love language compares to your partner’s can make a huge difference.
Maybe they’ve been trying to show you they love you in some subtle way that wasn’t really what you were expecting, because what you’re expecting is your love language, which may be different from theirs. If you’re not aware of their expressions of love through their love language, you may feel like they’re not putting forth the same effort as you. This is why it’s worth it to talk about how you show love with your partner. Actually ask your partner, “When you want to show me you care about me, what do you do?” and also ask what actions of yours make them feel most cared for. You can then adjust how you each show love to better tap into the other’s language.
Another layer to this involves something called bidding, and bids are the ways that we try to initiate connection or get attention from our partner. It could be flirtatiously touching your partner’s shoulder, for example. It could even be a negative bid, such as complaining about a problem to invite your partner to show you some compassion and extra care after a rough day. However, if they don’t recognize that those behaviors are bids for some love and connection, you may feel like they don’t care, they’re in their own world, and your relationship is clearly one-sided.
So understanding bids, too, is so important. Learn how you offer these bids to your partner, and discuss that with them. Everyone bids in different ways, so it’s natural that we need to learn to recognize what those bids are. Take note of when you’re trying to get some affection from your partner, and observe your own bid behaviors. Then, share these with your partner, so they can better respond next time.
It can take time to really learn these different styles, whether it be how we prefer to give and receive love or how we express our need for love through bids, so just be patient with it and with each other.
4. Mismatched Priorities
Let’s say you are looking to only date seriously and commit with the intention to grow together and eventually get married. You’re at a stage in your life where a relationship is important, and you’re willing to put in the time and effort it takes. So when your partner cancels on you to spend time with friends, you may feel crushed. You may feel like the friends are a bigger priority for your partner. Or maybe your partner is really dedicated to their job, and they’re willing to work overtime and weekends, making little time for you to spend together. For you, your relationship is a priority, but it looks like for your partner, they’d be fine without you, as long as they have their work.
In these situations, where there are different priorities at play, it can make you feel like you’re not worth much to your partner, while you’re putting so much value on the relationship. Like I mentioned before, you must also focus on your own self-worth and your life outside of the relationship. But if you’ve got this covered, and in your relationship it feels like your partner is always MIA because of work, friends, or whatever else, you must do a reality check and discuss your priorities and feelings with your partner.
If you have this discussion with your partner, you may be able to reach some understanding or compromise. But there’s one place where I want to tell you to beware: if what you want from the relationship is vastly different, it probably won’t work out, at least not right now, and not until they get on your level. If you want a serious committed relationship, but they want something more casual, you’re in danger. You cannot make them care more, and you cannot make them want what you want. Even though you’re super lovable, you can’t make them love you so much that they will change their life course for you.
And it’s not personal, but timing and what stage we’re at in our lives definitely play a role. So if you feel like you’re in this kind of one-sided relationship, where there’s little sign of long-term commitment from the other person, ask yourself how much longer you want to stay in this kind of relationship, and accept it probably won’t change anytime soon.
Talking to Your Partner
If you see yourself in one of these one-sided relationships, or you feel you’re putting in more than you’re getting back, I encourage you to talk to your partner. Keeping it to yourself won’t help. And even more, trying to care less won’t help. It can be tempting to turn your relationship into a competition to see who can seem more aloof, but trust me that this won’t fix anything in the long-run.
And be aware that when you do start a discussion about your one-sided relationship, your partner may not respond well at first. Chances are, if you feel like the relationship is one-sided, this relationship imbalance has been benefiting them. Maybe they’ve been coasting by, not giving you everything you need, while you’ve been really active and generous in the relationship. They may feel surprised or even betrayed if you tell them your concerns and how this isn’t making you feel cared for or important. They may not want to give up the relationship as it is now at first, but don’t give up. Be honest, don’t go into the conversation ready to attack, and take a break from the conversation to let them process what you’ve said. Your feelings are important and valid.