Compassion is an important key in relationships because it helps us to understand and relate to each other. Compassion allows us to imagine others’ feelings and thoughts, and we can better understand their actions as a result. But is there such thing as too much compassion? Spoiler: sometimes, yes. Compassion can in some cases keep us trapped in toxic patterns with toxic partners.
Who is at risk for compassion overload?
Having compassion and empathy for others is a healthy, connection-building quality. But some people are more likely than others to be extra compassionate. They include:
- empaths
- highly sensitive people
- people pleasers
- individuals with anxious attachment style
- individuals with borderline personality disorder
How to Know If You’re Too Compassionate
You may be in one of the groups listed above, or you may just pride yourself in being a compassionate person. But there’s one simple way to know if you are too compassionate in your relationship or not.
Consider how you feel when you are being compassionate to your partner or loved one. Are you feeling calmer and more understanding as a result? Or are you feeling hurt and neglected? One key point to remember is this: having compassion for someone else shouldn’t take away from the compassion you have for yourself.
In other words, compassion can allow us to have a greater understanding of someone else’s perspective, behaviors, and needs. But that shouldn’t come at the expense of honoring your own needs, too.
In a healthy relationship, compassion isn’t unidirectional. It doesn’t just go one way. Instead, both partners offer compassion to each other, and also to themselves.
Too Much Compassion = Too Much Suffering
It’s strange to think that compassion can cause more suffering, especially when compassion is usually thought to be used to ease someone’s pain. But when too much compassion is given to only one partner, leaving the other partner’s needs ignored, eventually it will multiply the suffering in the relationship. This is especially true when compassion is being used to justify another’s unhealthy actions.
Imagine someone being verbally abused by their partner. They may excuse this unhealthy behavior because, out of compassion, they understand that their partner is very stressed lately at work. However, this does nothing to help the abusive partner change their behavior, nor does it help the abused partner feel safe and loved.
You can also imagine a scenario where someone is drowning. An onlooker, who also can’t swim, panics and decides to jump in the water to save the person drowning. In the end, they both drown. An alternative solution would have been for the onlooker to find a lifesaver to throw to the person in the water, saving them both. In relationships, too, it can be tempting to give yourself when someone is struggling, rather than offering another tool such as therapy or a self-help book. This can create more suffering for both partners both in the short and long-term.
Fixing the Compassion Overload
Remember, you do not need to make yourself weaker in order to make someone else stronger. Being compassionate for someone else is a very healthy thing, but it should be balanced with self-compassion too. Know your boundaries and limitations. Be honest about how much you can and can’t help someone else, and be aware when others’ negative emotions are impacting your own feelings.
It isn’t realistic for one person to manage two people in a relationship – instead, each partner must be able to care for themselves, while offering support to each other in healthy ways. It’s okay to allow loved ones to experience pain sometimes, without stepping in to try to protect them. In fact, in many cases people need to experience some pain in order to learn and grow.
Take the pressure off yourself to be who you think you should be for them, and instead remember to check in with yourself and your own feelings. Offer help such as recommending a therapist or planning a relaxing date day together.
And keep in mind that your existence isn’t just to make other people happy. Your own wellbeing is important too.