Even as progress has been made in gender relations and women’s rights around the world, many societies still continue to have stereotypes and norms based on whether someone is a man or woman. And many of these stereotypes and norms can be toxic. In particular, toxic masculinity puts pressure on men to behave in very aggressive and non-emotional ways. Toxic masculinity prizes anger, toughness, and stoicism in men, and it shuns behaviors that seem “feminine.”
Toxic masculinity isn’t just toxic for men – it can be toxic to women too, and it can create patterns that can lead to unhealthy and toxic relationships. Here are some examples of how toxic masculinity can play a role in creating toxic romantic relationships between men and women.
Lack of Emotion
Toxic masculinity sees women as being emotional, while men are not. Indifference, contentedness, or anger and aggression are some of the few limited emotions men are allowed to have access to in a toxic masculinity model.
How This Leads to Toxic Relationships
If the only negative emotion allowed to men is anger, rather than sadness, for example, they are likely to turn negative feelings into aggression. This can lead to more reactivity in their relationship, which can lead to more fights and even abuse. Men who follow toxic masculinity’s norms may also feel more justified in this aggressive behavior, and they may feel they have the right to act out of jealousy and anger.
In society, there may also be an expectation that women are responsible for helping to manage their partner’s negative emotions and outbursts. Women may feel pressure to act carefully to avoid triggering the man in the relationship or feel that they must help to calm him down.
If men aren’t able to access feelings such as nervousness and sadness without feeling shame, it also may be difficult for them to comfort and support their partner who is experiencing such feelings. This lack of empathy can make it hard for the couple to feel connected and safe opening up together.
Affection = Sex
Toxic masculinity views sex as being a man’s domain, while other forms of affection such as hugging are seen as being “for women.” Men may feel embarrassed speaking too kindly of their partner or holding hands in front of their male friends.
How This Leads to Toxic Relationships
Sex is treated as something to be won, and non-sexual affection is only used to manipulate others into it. This gets in the way of authentic connection. It also treats relationships as being transactional. This type of thinking can also create a black-and-white image of sex, where it is only to be enjoyed by one partner, not by both. In reality, sex, and non-sexual affection, can be shared and enjoyed by both partners, regardless of gender.
Power Struggles
Toxic masculinity almost always sees men as being more powerful than women. Men are expected to wield their power in their relationships and refuse influence from women.
How This Leads to Toxic Relationships
All relationships have a power dynamic, and power isn’t always harmful. But toxic masculinity’s treatment of men as being automatically more powerful leaves women feeling disempowered. This can lead to two common scenarios. One scenario is that the woman accepts her role of less authority and power and turns to people pleasing and hiding her own feelings and needs in the relationship. The second scenario is where a power struggle takes place, where both partners actively fight to gain back more power.
Power can also be used to control the other person. As I said before, power isn’t always harmful. It can be used to take responsibility for our own actions, compromise, and work for the greater good of the relationship. But when it is used to limit and control the other, this can create a very toxic environment in the relationship.
Objectification & Gender Roles
When men only know the expectations of toxic masculinity, they are likely aware of both how they as a man “should” act, and how women “should” act. In other words, they are likely to closely follow gender norms and roles and expect the same of women. These norms usually see women as secondary to men, and objectification is common.
How This Leads to Toxic Relationships
This attitude can leave women feeling pressured to perform gendered behaviors, even if it feels inauthentic to her. For example, she may feel pressure to look a certain way or to keep the house she shares with her partner clean. While caring about appearance or cleanliness isn’t inherently wrong, it can become toxic if the purpose is for an external reward, such as pleasing her partner or avoiding arguments.
Objectification can also be especially harmful when it comes to rape culture. While rape culture certainly includes sexual assault itself, it can also include cat-calling and other forms of sexual harassment. These issues don’t only exist between strangers or acquaintances. Violence, non-consensual touching, and other abusive behaviors can exist in close relationships as well.
All of the examples above show how toxic masculinity can be extremely toxic in committed relationships too. If you are struggling with intimate abuse and/or sexual assault, learn more and get the help you deserve here.