Have you ever given an apology that just seemed to not help anything at all? Or have you ever received an apology that wasn’t enough to repair the conflict you were having? Healthy relationships require apologies and forgiveness, but knowing how to apologize and say sorry effectively is key.
When people make ineffective apologies, they usually do at least one of the following things:
- They use the word “but”
- They make an apology that doesn’t address the current situation or context at all, making the apology sound forced or empty
- They try to explain or justify their own behavior/mistake
All three points can make an apology ineffective, but let’s focus on the last point. A common mistake people make when offering apologies is trying to find some cause or reasoning for their action, and then explaining this to the other person. For example, they may say, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I realize now I was just tired and irritable,” or, “I’m sorry I lied to you. I lied because I knew you wouldn’t like the truth, and I was trying to avoid an argument.”
Sometimes, when people don’t offer an explanation or cause for why they chose a certain action, the other person may even ask for an explanation. They may ask questions like, “Why did you do that? What were you thinking?”
But here’s a relationship reminder for both partners during a conflict and apology: the reason why doesn’t matter.
Explaining the cause of your mistake isn’t necessary in making an effective apology, and for the apology receiver, asking why isn’t necessary either.
So what does make an effective apology? If you shouldn’t focus on the reason for your action, what should you focus on?
An effective apology focuses on the other person’s experience and feelings. Rather than prioritizing the reasoning or justification for your actions, prioritize what the other person is feeling.
You know you made a mistake, and you want to apologize. But first, imagine how your mistake may have impacted the other person. Imagine how it made them feel, and imagine what the situation looks like from their perspective. Then, include this in your apology.
An effective apology could sound like this: “I’m sorry I lied to you. I know that you feel hurt and betrayed. You’re probably questioning if you can even trust me now. I’m really sorry.”
Want to know more about making better apologies in your relationships? Listen to episode 60 of the Relationship Reminders podcast!