When it comes to sex, what do you believe to be true? What thoughts do you have about it? What did you learn about it? Now consider: where did these beliefs come from? A lot of what we think we know about sex came from society, our parents, a broken sexual education system, or even perhaps an ex. And chances are, some of those beliefs aren’t exactly working in your favor.
Especially for women, many common ideas about sex can lead to toxic and unhealthy experiences in the bedroom. Though it may be obvious that rape culture and everything it stands for can be harmful, there are many other myths and pressures regarding women’s sexuality that are less obviously harmful. In fact, you may even abide by some of them yourself. Here are six of those myths and beliefs, debunked.
Myth #1: Sex is a performance.
Whether blatantly or not, you were probably taught that sex is a performance. You have to look a certain way, sound a certain way, move your body a certain way, and have perfect timing – all like a performance. Even when you don’t feel pleasure, you may pretend that you do (research shows that most women have faked orgasms at one point or another).
In reality, sex requires mindfulness, flexibility, and a bit of spontaneity. And for us women to truly enjoy sex (no faking it!), we must start honoring our pleasure as our own, rather than as part of a performance to please a partner. That means accepting imperfections: your legs might be hairy, you might not be able to arch your back like some sexy lingerie model, and your body might make weird sounds. By accepting reality over a performance, you can show up as you truly are, and for your own pleasure.
Myth #2: Sex is for men’s pleasure, and they naturally enjoy it more than women.
This belief goes hand-in-hand with myth #1: heterosexual women often feel pressure to perform perfectly in bed for men’s pleasure. And there’s a belief that sex is something that women do just for men – sex is a man’s domain. Men need sex.
Listen: this is some BS. The truth is, if you believe this myth, then it will be true for you. If you submit yourself to a belief that sex isn’t really for you, then it won’t be. But if you start viewing your pleasure as being just as important as the other person’s, you give yourself an opportunity to learn what makes you feel good.
And in actuality, there are some biological blessings for women when it comes to sexual pleasure. For example, women are much more likely to experience multiple orgasms compared to men. Another point: the clitoris has double the nerve endings of the penis and altogether measures a whopping 10cm long – who knew!?
In short, there is nothing that makes men “naturally” more into sex than women. And as for those stereotypes about men getting aroused more easily than women, see myth #6 for more on that.
Myth #3: It’s socially awkward to talk during sex.
Have you ever learned that it’s weird or awkward to talk during sex? Or that the only talking that is okay is dirty talk? Of course talking about, say, taxes and politics during sex would probably kill the mood – but talking about sex during sex is totally okay!
I encourage you to communicate openly before, during, and after sex. Before sex, make sure that anyone involved has clearly consented and that protection has been discussed. During sex, try talking about what feels good, what isn’t working, what position you want to try, what speed or angle you like, what feels good for them or something different you can offer, any pain or discomfort…
And after sex, too, try talking about what you liked or what you might want to try next time. Communication is important in relationships in general, and sex is no exception.
Myth #4: Men should initiate. If women initiate, they’re being too aggressive.
In heterosexual relationships, there is often an ideal that men should be the sexual aggressors, while women should be pursued. For many women, initiating sex may feel particularly vulnerable, or they may feel overly aggressive for doing so. If this resonates with you, consider this: when you avoid initiating sex, you reinforce the idea that sex isn’t for you and your pleasure. But honoring your pleasure, without any shame, means embracing when you want something and asking for it.
If initiating sex feels difficult, try discussing how to initiate with your partner. You could even decide on a shared signal or cue for when you want to get frisky. And let the other person know that you do appreciate when they initiate. Explain how desired it makes you feel when they initiate. And chances are, when you initiate, they feel the same way: research shows that men like when their female partners initiate.
Myth #5: Foreplay is the key to orgasms.
This myth is well-intentioned but misses the mark. There’s often a belief that as long as there’s foreplay, women will feel pleasure and have orgasms. But it’s worth looking at what a couple does before they hit the sheets: what comes before foreplay?
That time before any sexual touching or gettin’ naked is just as important as the time spent in foreplay. Take time to cuddle up on the sofa or just talk about what’s on your mind. You can even create pre-sex rituals like dimming the lights, turning on a favorite playlist, or putting on some loungewear that makes you feel sexy. Remember: intimacy isn’t just physical, so share some quality time before heading to the bedroom.
Myth #6: Sexual pleasure and arousal is linear.
If you’ve been thinking of sex as a line on a positive slope, starting from 0 and eventually hitting 100 when you climax, think again. Sexual pleasure and arousal is not a perfect, linear experience. Instead, it may take a lot of time to get in the mood, and even once you start to feel turned on, you may find yourself getting distracted or needing to slow down. It can help to know your Erotic Blueprint (you can take the quiz here), which explains sexual preferences and arousal types.
Think of sex as being more of a series of waves, rather than a line. And in those waves, there may be times of slowing down, times of speeding up, and times of stopping altogether before starting again. For most women, there isn’t a formula for how to go “up” – what felt good last time may not feel good the next time, and that’s okay. And in some cases, there may not be an orgasm. Remember, sex isn’t one-size-fits all, nor is it (or our bodies) predictable.