Have you ever been told that you’re passive aggressive? Or have you called someone else out for passive aggressive behavior? You likely know what passive aggression is, but what’s really behind this style of relationship communication?
What is passive aggression?
When it comes to our openness and confidence in communicating, there’s a spectrum: passive on one side, aggressive on the other, and assertive in the middle. Passive aggression combines two polar opposites: passivity and aggression. Passivity involves silencing oneself, hiding their true feelings, and relying on indirect communication. Aggression, on the other hand, is often used to protect oneself through directing anger, criticism, and blame towards others. When someone is passive aggressive, they often use passive and indirect behaviors while, deep down, harboring anger and resentment towards the other person in the relationship.
Examples of Passive Aggressive Behavior
When someone is passive aggressive in their relationship, they may:
- make compliments that disguise criticisms
- use sarcasm during times of conflict and tension in the relationship
- make jokes at the expense of the other person
- intentionally neglect or “forget” things that have been discussed in the past (such as purposely leaving out dirty dishes, knowing that it will upset the other person)
- blame the other person for relationship problems
- refuse to change and consistently act inflexible
- sulk, pull away, and/or use the “silent treatment” when they don’t get what they want
Why do people use passive aggression?
Most of us use passive aggressive behavior at times, but what drives this?
One reason for passive aggressive communication is a belief that conflict and anger are wrong. If you were raised in a household where arguments seemed scary, or if you were explicitly told to not be angry as a child, you may now subconsciously believe that these experiences should be avoided. In reality, anger and disagreement are normal and healthy in relationships. If you struggle to express your true feelings, though, you may turn to more passive aggressive styles of communication
Another reason for passive aggression is when one person feels powerless in a particular relationship or situation. If they believe they have no influence or power, they may give up in directly communicating their feelings or desires. But if they still feel angry and bitter deep down, this can commonly show up in passive aggressive behaviors.
Finally, a common reason for using passive aggression is a need to be accepted. When someone prioritizes pleasing others in order to be liked and avoid rejection, they may bury their real feelings and concerns. This is common in people who use passive communication as well: in trying to appear agreeable, cooperative, and kind, authenticity gets buried in indirect communication. But when true feelings of anger and dissatisfaction simmer below the surface for too long, they may eventually come out in more aggressive (albeit passive aggressive) behaviors.
How to Stop Being Passive Aggressive
If you catch yourself being passive aggressive, first reflect on why this might be happening. Are you afraid of expressing your anger or disagreeing with others? Do you feel powerless? Or are you worried you’ll be rejected if you express yourself more assertively?
Then, use this one tip: decide what outcome you hope to have in the current conflict or situation. Do you want to set a much-needed boundary? Do you want to be heard and understood? Do you want to become closer with the other person? Do you want to work through the conflict to reach a win-win solution?
Often, passive aggressive communication lacks a clear intention. For example, if someone struggles with being liked, they may subconsciously try to avoid rejection (passive) and voice their true anger and hurt (using indirect aggressive actions). Instead, get clear on only one intention you have for your communication. Know what the ideal outcome is for you and your relationship. Then, decide what style of communication would best help you in getting there. And hint: it’s pretty much never passive aggression.