Listen to Bad Girlfriend Radio episode 7 for more on how anger is used in relationships, and how to transform resentment and hurt feelings into productive and healthy habits.
You know what feels really good? Being upset with your partner after they did something horrible and just letting them have it, ferociously pointing out exactly what they did wrong. You know what feels really bad? After you’re done calling them out for being trash and seeming even further from gaining their understanding or any resolution.
I’ll be the last to say that arguing with your partner is unhealthy. Being honest and open about your feelings and opinions is a sign of trust and companionship. You value each other enough to show up however you are, even if it’s in disagreement with your partner sometimes. The disagreements themselves aren’t wrong – but how we deal with negative feelings that may boil up can be.
Stop Showing Teeth
Imagine a roaring lion or a dog showing its teeth. These animals have ways of warning other animals that they’re a threat. A lion roars not at the animals it preys on, but to warn of an intruder or to tell enemy lions to stay away from its territory. Dogs show their teeth before biting when they think you may hurt them or take something from them, like a favorite bone. In other words, both of these animals, and countless other animal species, use different mechanisms to communicate their ability to attack. But these warnings aren’t used with weaker prey. They use warnings when they feel threatened or scared by something stronger than them.
I’m not a zoologist, so let’s get back to how this relates to relationships. We, too, are kind of like animals. We have a way of standing up to our partner when we’re hurt in order to protect ourselves, gain back emotional control, and let our partner know that we can and will attack. The way we show our teeth is through yelling, criticizing, using mean one-liners, making verbal threats, or even acting violently (such as pushing, hitting, or throwing things). Our anger is a defense mechanism, like roaring or showing teeth. And in the animal world, the purpose of this defensiveness is to scare away potential predators or rivals. But do you really want to scare away your partner?
How to Fight Better
When you fight with less anger in your voice and words – less lion, more herbivore rabbit – your point will, in almost all scenarios, be received better by your partner. Saying that your partner did something wrong that really hurt you is fine, but saying it with teeth showing, attack mode on, your partner will only fight back. Or retreat. Just like animals do.
When they respond like that, they won’t be able to hear or understand you. Their mind will be racing with thoughts on how to counter-attack, ready to defend their side, rather than understanding your side. In these disagreements, it’s important to feel heard, understood, and for hurt feelings to be resolved. It’s key, then, that we trim away the anger that is shielding our true feelings and directly get to the heart of the problem.
There are three tips you can start using now to help:
- Start the conversation calmly and peacefully. The first minute of the conversation can often predict how the rest of it will go. If you want a calm and productive discussion, start without attacking and anger.
- Discuss your perspective and feelings with softness and vulnerability. Open up and show your wounds to your partner – that’s the only way they can be treated.
- Avoid showing your teeth and letting anger take over. Remember that anger doesn’t only show up in yelling or acting violently. Blaming, pointing out character flaws, getting defensive, name-calling, interrupting, eye-rolling, and making threats in order to manipulate or pressure the other person are behaviors that should be avoided.
In addition to these three tips, improving your communication skills in any discussion will help you connect with your partner and avoid misunderstandings. Check out these 10 rules for clear communication to get started.
One final tool to help you fight the right way with your partner is a free cheat sheet with 6 steps to navigate your next big fight. Avoiding turning into an animal ready to attack is important, but these steps will help you know exactly how to take your fight from start to peaceful finish. Download the cheat sheet here and share it with your partner.