In opposite-sex romance, there are a lot of rules and expectations for how men and women should date and love each other. However, many of these ideas have been around since your grandma was being courted by your grandpa, yet their dating history probably looks nothing like dating today.
Not only that, but many of these rules are grounded in outdated and gendered beliefs that often don’t reflect the ideas of empowered women today. Still, it can be easy to accidentally follow these relationship scripts without thinking twice, but with a little awareness, we can start to rewrite these rules and expectations now.
1. Only Tall & Rich Need Apply
Have you ever said you’re looking for a guy who is taller than you or who makes a lot of money? You’re not alone – the expectation that men should be taller and wealthier than women isn’t a new one. Men know this, too, which is why they may list their height or show off their nice watch and fancy vacations in their Tinder profiles.
But rather than considering height and money as requirements, consider what these preferences mean. For example, do you want to date a tall man because it makes you feel protected? And if so, what other ways can a guy make you feel protected that have nothing to do with size? Similarly, you may be into wealthy types because they seem motivated and career-driven, yet wealth itself doesn’t directly correlate with personality.
2. Men Make the First Move
Traditionally, men have been expected to be the aggressors when it comes to dating, and for women, this can sometimes remove a lot of pressure. For example, if we avoid making the first move, we can avoid the possibility of rejection.
But it’s unrealistic to put all the power in initiating a connection in the hands of only men, effectively removing that same power from the other roughly 50% of the population. Women can make the first move too, and it allows us to weed out bad matches while getting to know good matches much more quickly.
3. Gentlemen Win
No, this isn’t the point at which I start saying nice guys finish last. Kindness is such an important quality in a date or partner, but there’s a difference between authentic kindness and unoriginal chivalry. For example, holding the door open for the other person on a date can be a nice gesture, but it doesn’t mean much if that person doesn’t listen to you when you talk or show the restaurant wait staff respect. Rather than looking for traditional signs of a man being a “gentleman,” look for their general kindness and interest in getting to know you.
4. Leave Your Cash At Home
You may be expecting to not have to pay for a thing on your dates because you’re a woman, and if a guy offers to pay for the bill, there’s no harm in accepting with gratitude. But an equal relationship shouldn’t leave one person feeling like they need to pay for the other’s time. And you shouldn’t feel like you’re doing the man a favor by going out with him. Likewise, then, it shouldn’t be automatically assumed that men need to pay. Bring some cash with you, and don’t look at it as a letdown if you’re asked to split the bill, especially if you gained a potential match from the date.
5. No Hooking Up On the First Date
However you define hooking up, there are a lot of rules in society about when we should do it. Especially for women, we may be labeled as a “slut” or not “girlfriend material” if we hook up on the first date.
But if everyone involved consents, other people’s rules for their bodies don’t have to dictate what you do with yours. If you don’t want to kiss until the third date, or if you’re down with getting a hotel for the night on the first date, that is your rule to write for yourself.
And if you do worry about only being seen as a hook-up or friend-with-benefits by the guy you’re seeing, remember that that says more about him and how he views women, not you or your character.
6. Don’t Message Soon After the Date
When did a fear of being seen as overeager turn into a habit of completely withholding interest? I often talk about how being up-front with your feelings and needs is healthy, rather than clingy, yet it’s still common for women to refuse to message a guy after a good date. If you’re into him, let him know you want to see him again. In most cases, he’ll appreciate the forwardness. If not, it means you can start moving on to better guys and stop wasting time on this one.
7. Denying Sex is a Weapon
There’s an outdated yet still prevalent belief that men enjoy sex more than women, and women give sex to men almost as a service. At the same time, women are also stereotypically expected to manage housework and domestic duties.
When you put these two beliefs together, there is sometimes a tendency for women to use refusing sex as a weapon to punish men or to get them to do something – such as housework. It sounds so anti-feminist, and yet many of us accidentally fall into this trap.
Denying sex should not be used as a weapon. Of course, if you’re not feeling loved and cared for in your relationship, naturally you probably won’t be in the mood. But using sex in an ultimatum simply reinforces the idea that sex is only for men’s pleasure, and that the action you’re hoping your partner will do is only important if there’s a threat of no sex.
8. Get Guys By Being One of the Guys
It is time to banish the cool girl trope once and for all! Though it’s less of a rule than a common behavior, being “one of the guys” is often seen as a desirable trait. In other words, women often feel pressure to take influence from men and men’s interests, and downplaying femininity may make her seem more desirable and cooler.
Meanwhile, men in this situation often don’t show the same interest in their female counterpart’s perspective. There is no similar pressure for men to be “one of the ladies.” In reality, though, studies show that relationships where men accept influence from women are happier and more stable.
Instead of trying to be the cool girl who can hang with the guys, then, focus on a relationship where both people can be authentic, open, and accepting of each other.
9. Show You’re Sorry With Roses
Man messes up. Man buys flowers. Problem solved? We know it’s not this simple, yet there’s a traditional image of a sorry man giving a woman flowers to show his regret. And this image is still very much alive today. In fact, if you do an online image search for “giving roses for apology,” there are countless images of men holding flowers behind their backs or along with a card that reads “sorry,” as well as countless images of women accepting the flowers.
Giving flowers, or any other gift, may distract from the original conflict, but it does nothing to actually solve the problem at hand. Communication, including taking time to listen and understand the other person’s feelings, and then deciding a way to mitigate the issue in the future will make an impactful difference that a gift simply cannot do.
10. Other Women Are Competition
This script is tired and overdone, yet it still shows up in movies, TV shows, songs, and rapper feuds all the time (I see you, Nicki Minaj). And it happens in real life, too.
Because men are typically given more status in society than women, women look to each other as competition. And this happens in our love lives, too. For example, we may see other women as our barriers when it comes to getting the guy that we want. Or if a man is talking to several women, rather than focusing on him possibly being at fault for leading several women on, there may be a temptation to turn against the other women.
Even worse, if a partner has cheated, it’s not uncommon to put energy into obsessing over who the other woman was, rather than focusing on our partner’s responsibility in the betrayal.
Instead of seeing each other as competition, we can realize our similarities and our shared struggles. And as feminists, it isn’t necessary to hate or stereotype men. Rather, we can see how outdated rules and expectations hold back all of us in forming authentic connections.