There is a lot of relationship advice out there: in books, online, from your friends… But how do you know if it’s good advice or not? In episode 41 of Bad Girlfriend Radio, I tackled 10 examples of bad relationship advice and what to do instead. Here’s a quick rundown:
1. Sex With An Ex
Bad Relationship Advice: Contact your ex to try to get back together if you shared a good sex life because they may be your soul mate.
Healthier Relationship Advice: First, there are no soul mates. Second, passion is not enough to have a healthy relationship. Especially if you practice clear communication in bed, you can have good sex again with someone new – who is better for you and your future.
2. Scary Women or Scared Men?
Bad Relationship Advice: Women shouldn’t say “I love you” first because it frightens men.
Healthier Relationship Advice: Saying “I love you” first won’t sabotage a relationship. Instead, hiding your feelings, playing games, or dating men who get scared by confident women will sabotage a relationship. In short, it is totally okay for women in heterosexual relationships to share their honest feelings first.
3. 90 Day Probation
Bad Relationship Advice: If you’re a woman, wait 90 days to have sex with a man.
Healthier Relationship Advice: Establish your own boundaries around sex and follow what feels comfortable to you. Taking it slow early in a relationship can be a great idea in general. But as for sex, it’s up to you to have sex on the first date, after a month of dating, or even waiting until marriage. You get to decide.
4. Bedroom Rules
Bad Relationship Advice: Your relationship is failing if there’s a lack of sex. And if you sleep in separate beds, you’re doomed.
Healthier Relationship Advice: This bad advice puts a lot of pressure on couples, especially those who are going through personal changes or changes in lifestyle. If your life has changed recently (such as having a baby, having a busy work schedule, or dealing with a health issue), it’s okay if your sex life changes too. And as for sleeping in separate beds, each couple has their own preferences, and that’s okay! One word of caution: if you’re having sex less or sleeping apart because of conflict in the relationship, this is worth exploring and communicating as a couple or with a professional to find a resolution.
5. The Mind Reader
Bad Relationship Advice: If your ex hasn’t blocked you on social media, they want you back.
Healthier Relationship Advice: Just because an ex hasn’t blocked you doesn’t mean they want you back. Instead of spending time playing mind reader, do yourself a favor: focus on healing after your breakup.
6. Self Love vs Selfishness
Bad Relationship Advice: Always put yourself first.
Healthier Relationship Advice: Check in with yourself, set boundaries, and honor your needs and values. But in a relationship, it isn’t realistic to always put your own feelings or interests first. There must be room for commitment, collaboration, and sacrifices. For more on being selfish vs selfless, go listen to episode 34 of Bad Girlfriend Radio.
7. Obligatory Politeness
Bad Relationship Advice: Never ignore someone who cares for you and misses you.
Healthier Relationship Advice: It’s okay to ignore, block, or let go of someone who you don’t want to make space for in your life. You aren’t obligated to be polite just because they say they care about you or miss you. And you especially don’t need to respond to anyone who has made you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or hurt.
8. Happiness Over Everything
Bad Relationship Advice: Be with someone who makes you happy.
Healthier Relationship Advice: While your happiness is important, emotions are fleeting. Rather than prioritizing positive emotions, then, prioritize having a partner who allows you to grow and become more of the person you want to become. This might require feeling challenged, not happy, at times, but that discomfort can be part of having a healthy relationship.
9. Just Leave
Bad Relationship Advice: If you even consider breaking up, you should.
Healthier Relationship Advice: It’s better to break up instead of prolonging a relationship that’s just not working. But having thoughts of breaking up doesn’t mean you always should or have to. In fact, for people with insecure attachment styles, they may often cope with stress in the relationship by considering breaking up. Rather than just simply giving up on the relationship, it can be more helpful to understand the thoughts and fears that are motivating the consideration to leave.
10. Miss Independent
Bad Relationship Advice: You shouldn’t need anything from anyone.
Healthier Relationship Advice: I’ve talked about having needs and being “needy” before, and I will say time and time again: it is okay to have needs and standards! It’s even okay to expect certain things from a partner or relationship. A need for connection and authenticity, for example, is essential to our wellbeing as humans. Rather than aiming for detachment and complete self-sufficiency, allow space for interdependence and honoring your needs and wants.