If you’ve fallen for unavailable people before, you know how frustrating it can be. Unavailable people are those dating or relationship partners who have expressed no interest in a relationship, have directly said they’re not looking for a relationship right now, are emotionally avoidant, or who give vague answers about the status of your relationship or future plans.
While mostly everyone has fallen for someone who was unavailable or just-not-into-them, it’s important to be aware if this becomes a repeated pattern.
If you’re finding yourself being attracted to unavailable people again and again, there are 5 main reasons why this may be happening.
Top 5 Reasons for Being Attracted to Unavailable Types
1. You’re looking for validation.
When someone is unavailable, they become a challenge to win over. And if you can overcome that challenge and win them over, naturally you might feel pretty good about yourself. Some people, subconsciously, pursue unavailable people for an ego boost and external validation. Rather than trying to convince unavailable people to become available for you, look for healthier sources of validation and self-worth that don’t rely on anyone else’s approval or interest in you.
2. You have limiting subconscious beliefs about love.
Many of us carry around negative subconscious beliefs about love and dating that aren’t serving us, and often, these beliefs are based on past experiences. For example, you may have learned that relationships are a struggle, so you seek out people who confirm this belief. Or you may believe that love is unattainable, you aren’t deserving of love, or that love is one-sided. When you have deep-rooted and often hidden limiting beliefs about love, you’re more likely to fall for people who fit into these schemas. Someone who is more available and secure simply won’t feel like a potential partner, because you haven’t experienced a relationship with these types of people. Instead, you keep gravitating towards unavailable people who feel familiar to you.
3. You’re not ready for a relationship.
Sometimes, people fall for unavailable types as a protective measure. If you have a fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt, you might purposely sabotage a chance at a healthy relationship by going after unavailable people. Think about it: if you allow yourself to let go and open up to someone who’s available and ready for a relationship, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and commit to someone else. But if you’re scared of being disappointed, you can simply guarantee your own disappointment by choosing people who you know it won’t work with. This kind of relationship sabotage is often something that people do unwittingly or at a subconscious level, and it keeps them feeling safe in their comfort zone. However, it also keeps them stuck in having unhealthy relationships or no relationships at all.
4. You’re an overly compassionate people pleaser.
It sounds strangely insulting to be called an “overly compassionate people pleaser,” but it could be the reason why you keep falling for unavailable people. By being an overly compassionate people pleaser, you put other’s needs before your own. So if someone seems unavailable, you may be too forgiving and patient, hoping that they’ll eventually become more available. You might even be making excuses for why they’re unavailable or distant. But when people show you that they’re unavailable, it’s best to believe them, rather than assuming that they’ll one day change and want to open up to you. Balance the compassion you have for others with the compassion you give yourself too. Honor your needs, and don’t wait for others to give you the love you deserve.
5. There are a lot of unavailable and avoidant people in the dating pool.
Those who are avoidant and unavailable are less likely to already be in a relationship. They also tend to move through partners quickly, meaning that you have a high chance of meeting them. People who have an avoidant attachment style may date just like anyone else, but they struggle with commitment and maintaining long-term bonds. Because of this, you might be running into this type of dating partner, and you might be feeling the disappointment of being roped into their world only to be discarded soon after. But because there are so many unavailable people on dating apps or out at bars, you’re not alone if you’ve dealt with them before.