The word “attachment” might sound kind of gross, but attachment is simply a part of our closest relationships. Attachment can look different to different people, and it may trigger a variety of behaviors depending on your attachment style.
According to attachment theory, our attachment style can be influenced by the relationship we had with our parents as a child, as well as other close relationships throughout our lives. In this way, our attachment style can change over time, as we learn to cope with different relationship struggles. You may have grown up secure, but after some negative dating experiences became more avoidant. Or maybe you struggled to feel loved as a child and had an anxious attachment style, but after healthier relationships in adulthood, became more secure.
Breaking Down The 3 Main Attachment Styles
If you’re wondering which style you fall into, read on for the basics of secure, anxious, and avoidant attachments.
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment may sound like the ideal attachment, and there are many advantages to being secure in relationships. Around 60% of the population is believed to be secure, and that’s a blessing for romantic partnerships, because securely attached people can bring a lot of balance to love.
They tend to view romantic relationships positively, and they can easily trust others. They don’t have much anxiety about their relationship failing or not being loved by their partner. In the case that they do have concerns, secure types typically find it easy to communicate these issues in a rational and calm way. For them, love is a great experience, and depending on others in moderation is something to enjoy. They can be vulnerable and allow themselves to open up with ease. But if a partner takes that for granted or takes advantage of them, they can come to the decision to break up if necessary.
Basically, they love being in relationships, but it’s a way to add to their already happy life, rather than being a total necessity. This makes having a secure partner a total win because they tend to be flexible and motivated to work together. Secure partners appreciate interdependence and independence, and they usually understand how to balance both the needs of their relationships and their own individual needs, too.
Anxious Attachment
For some, security in relationships doesn’t come so easily. And you’re not alone – full disclosure, my attachment style naturally runs anxious. Here’s what that means:
If you’re anxiously attached, you may worry that you’re too needy or clingy, but at the end of the day, your needs are your needs. Anxiously attached partners care a lot about their relationship, and they probably worry about it a lot, too. Conflicts with their partner weigh heavily on anxious types, and they might need a lot of time reconnecting after a fight.
Anxiously attached people usually crave a lot of attention, and if they feel they aren’t getting enough care, they may act in potentially unhealthy ways (relying on indirect communication, starting arguments, or playing mind games). They may also have trouble initiating a breakup, even when they know their partner isn’t right for them. Instead, they may remain in an unhealthy relationship, hoping that the other person will change, and just relying on the rare good moments to keep the partnership going.
Anxiously attached people can be very passionate and often bring a lot of depth and closeness to relationships. They can also be very compassionate and committed, which can be a great point, but only in the case that their partner can be compassionate to their feelings.
Avoidant Attachment
Almost in total opposition to anxious attachment is the avoidant attachment style. From the name, you may be able to guess that this type prefers to avoid deep intimacy, and they’re uncomfortable being vulnerable with another person.
They are highly independent and private, and they don’t like the idea of being intertwined with another person. Another person’s emotions (especially negative emotions) can be hard for the avoidant type to deal with, and it can be hard for them to offer support to a struggling partner. It may sound like avoidants don’t even want a relationship, but many do crave connection just like most other people. But they tend to get stuck in a grass-is-greener mentality, where they desire intimacy when there is none, but then crave space once they have someone else nearby.
Spending a lot of time with someone else can make avoidants feel pressured or smothered. One way they may cope with this is to find flaws in their date or partner. Then, they may refer back to that mental list of “flaws” as reason to not get too close, or to even break up. Because of this, if you’re avoidant, you may go through your love life for a long time believing that no one is really good enough for you.
Which types are compatible vs. incompatible?
As I mentioned before, secure partners can add a lot of balance and, well, security to relationships. Because of this, they tend to be compatible with any type. This of course doesn’t mean that secure people are compatible with everyone – of course they still have their own needs, wants, and preferences, too. But they can work well with other secures, can give anxious types the love they need, and can understand avoidants’ need for space. However, because relationships probably come a bit more easily to them than the insecure types, they may still have to learn a lot and overcome a lot of struggle while dating someone who isn’t secure like them. In other words, someone who is secure may still have issues with someone who is anxiously attached if the anxious partner is highly reactive or starts fights often. And they may get frustrated with an avoidant partner who seems to run hot-and-cold.
For anxious types, a secure partner can help to teach them a lot about what a healthy relationship looks like. A secure partner may be able to be patient and generous in love, just as the anxiously attached person needs.
An anxious partner with another anxious partner, however, may be very emotional. This kind of relationship can work, because both anxious partners are likely to be highly invested in the relationship. They’ll be able to understand each other and each other’s needs that way. But the one pitfall of this is that anxiously attached people, when their anxiety is activated, often don’t react in the most healthy ways. With two anxious partners, then, there may be a lot of arguments, assumptions, and suspicions. They may even try to one-up each other in who is more hurt during a fight. In can be hard for anxiously attached partners to be giving in relationships when they are so aware of their own anxieties and unmet needs.
Like anxious types, avoidant partners may benefit from having a more secure partner to help show them the way. It might also seem that two independence-loving avoidants could be compatible. But in reality, avoidant types don’t date one another often. After all, having two people who tend to keep the other at arm’s length makes it hard for them to ever get close.
The most incompatible styles are anxious and avoidant. When there is one anxious partner and one avoidant partner, they typically find themselves in what is called the “Anxious-Avoidant Trap”. This relationship dynamic involves one partner trying to pull closer, while the other often pushes them away. One partner has strong needs for connection, while the other prefers more space and independence. One is highly committed, while the other lacks strong commitment and tends to keep a relationship emergency exit at hand. One needs consistent affection, while the other is unpredictable.
Anxious and avoidant partners have almost polar opposite needs, so this type of relationship can be very tumultuous. It can result in a lot of unhealthy relationship behaviors, and it may even strengthen the flaws that each style carries. For example, in the Anxious-Avoidant Trap, an anxious partner may become progressively anxious and depressed when they feel neglected time after time. Avoidants in this situation may feel the need to guard themselves even more after being continuously pursued by the needy anxious partner.
How To Change Your Attachment Style
Regardless of your attachment style, every one has needs in their romantic relationship. Our attachment style determines how we deal with getting those needs met. If you want to get your needs met the secure way, communication is the starting point.
Healthy communication is clear, direct, and honest communication. Avoiding indirect communication habits (such as dropping “hints” or using passive aggression) can help to facilitate more real talks with your partner. It also helps to actively listen to each other and avoid jumping to conclusions. Instead of making assumptions, have a curiosity about your relationship and even about yourself. Realize that you don’t know everything there is to know.
And notice your tendency for putting the focus and blame on the other person. Anxious partners tend to blame their partner for not being giving or sensitive to their needs. Avoidant partners may look down on their partner for what they perceive to be flaws. Instead, turn to yourself and your own fears.
What are the fears driving your insecure behaviors? Are you afraid of being hurt, left, or betrayed? Are you afraid of rejection? How about the fear of losing yourself or being controlled?
If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, these fears are real to you, and they can feel very heavy, but those fears don’t determine what happens. Your reactions to the fears do. By changing your reactions, you can become more secure and maybe even change your attachment style altogether.