Relationships are essentially nothing without trust. At the same time, betrayal and disappointment are common in relationships, too – even in healthy relationships.
So how do you build trust after being let down? How do you heal after trust has been broken in the past?
What is trust?
A simple definition of trust is a belief that you will be safe. It is an assumption and expectation that another person and a relationship with them will benefit, not damage, you and your wellbeing. Trust is role and context-dependent: what is required to trust a friend, hookup, or committed partner may all be different. But regardless of the type of relationship, when there’s trust, you can feel safe and secure. And when you feel safe and secure, you can be more relaxed and confident, without fear. When there’s a lack of trust, typically the mind will be constantly scanning for danger. This can lead to a relationship full of stress, anxiety, and overthinking.
What really builds trust?
You may assume that trust is simply built on honesty: when there are no lies, there is trust. While honesty is important, authenticity is important, too. The difference is that authenticity leaves no room for avoidance or omitting information to keep the peace. When someone is authentic in a relationship, they can reveal all of who they are, even if it may lead to disagreement or disappointment. When you’re authentic, you don’t avoid conflict or tough conversations just to keep the other person comfortable. While this may lead to challenges, it also has the power to lead to a much more trusting relationship.
Aside from authenticity, trust is also built in small, everyday interactions. John Gottman refers to these interactions as sliding door moments. In these moments, a partner can choose to turn towards, away, or against the other – and regularly turning towards each other builds tremendous trust. For example, choosing to listen and offer compassion after your partner has had a bad day at work builds trust. Offering to cook dinner for the two of you builds trust. Setting aside time for a nice date or activity together builds trust. Trust, then, is really built in small, daily moments. And likewise, trust can be destroyed in small moments and acts of betrayal too.
What is betrayal?
Betrayal is when one person turns their back on the relationship for their own benefit or the benefit of a third party in a way that goes against the agreement and commitment of the relationship. Betrayal can be as big as cheating or as small as consistently prioritizing something like work or friends while neglecting the relationship. And even though a major betrayal can be damaging to trust, smaller and more regular betrayals over time can be even more damaging. Daily actions (or inactions) have the power to build or break down trust
How To Heal & Repair a Relationship After Betrayal
Whether through a major betrayal or smaller betrayals added up, efforts must be made to rebuild and repair the relationship after trust has been broken. And trust cannot be rebuilt by one person alone: both partners play a crucial, yet different, role in repairing the relationship.
For the person who was betrayed, it is first critical to decide if you really want to continue the relationship or not. Do you want to trust again? Do you want to continue growing the relationship into the future? Keep in mind that this is not the same question as can you trust again. You may feel unsure if you can trust again or suspicious for quite some time after the betrayal. Your feelings may be mixed after a betrayal, and that’s okay.
If you decide you want to continue the relationship and you want to try to trust again, make sure to set healthy boundaries (for more on boundaries versus seeking control, be sure to listen to episode 36 of Bad Girlfriend Radio). Communicate your needs and feelings with your partner openly, and be patient in the process of trusting again. And finally, recognize when your partner does try to make positive changes to earn trust back, and show appreciation for these actions.
For the person who committed the betrayal, realize that you must stay committed to rebuilding trust for a long time. There is no expiration date for when your partner must trust you again – you cannot force their trust. Instead, consistently make changes to respect their boundaries and show them that you will prioritize your relationship. Accept that there will be ups and downs in rebuilding trust, so expect the betrayed partner to sometimes, seemingly randomly, become upset or suspicious all over again. If you want to continue the relationship, you must accept that trust will take time to build again. Moreover, maintaining trust will become a lifelong part of your relationship going forward.