Relationships require some level of dependence in order to function, but when is dependence unhealthy? And when does counting on someone else turn into being codependent?
Codependency used to be a term applied to relationships between addicts/alcoholics and their troubled partners or children. Nowadays, the definition has expanded to include a lot more – so what really is codependency?
The Simplest Definition of Codependency
Codependency is when someone feels that they need to be needed. In order to fill this need, they engage in relationships with people who will need them – even if it’s unhealthy for both partners.
True to the traditional definition of codependency, this can involve an addict and their caretaker. In this situation, the addict depends on the caretaker to keep them from hitting rock bottom. And the caretaker finds comfort in this role, to the point that they subconsciously depend on the addict’s addiction in order to find purpose.
In other words, a codependent relationship is where someone defines their purpose and sense of identity on the relationship, and likewise, on how needed they are by the other person. This is different from interdependence, where two whole and functioning people are able to make agreements, support each other, and act as a reliable partner. Codependent relationships involve two people who don’t feel whole and fully functioning on their own, so they turn to another person to “complete” and “fix” them.
Common Signs of Codependency
Some key signs of codependent behaviors to look for include:
- being hyper-focused on your relationship or in finding a partner
- feeling empty or without purpose without a partner or without being needed by another
- consistently focusing on another’s needs and feelings over your own
- feeling responsible for another’s happiness and unhappiness
- lacking your own interests and desires
- feeling guilty for speaking up about your needs
- difficulty setting boundaries
- using indirect communication
- avoiding conflict to maintain harmony
Why Codependency Happens
By now, you probably have a good idea of what codependency is and common signs, but what causes this in the first place?
For many people, codependency becomes a pattern influenced by their early relationships. If you had a codependent relationship with a parent or guardian growing up, it’s likely you will engage in codependent relationships in adulthood, too.
Codependency is also more common for those who struggle with self-worth and self-esteem. In this case, you may turn to another person for validation, purpose, and a sense of identity.
Finally, codependent behaviors can be commonly seen in those who have experienced relational trauma. Growing up with a parent who suffered from addiction, dealing with abuse, and other trauma can make it especially hard to feel safe and secure in relationships. To cope, then, people may engage in codependent behaviors.
It’s important, then, to make the distinction between codependency and a trauma response. Even if someone acts in codependent ways (such as by being hyper-focused on their relationships or experiencing relationship anxiety), they may not always be codependent. Especially if they lack the “need to be needed,” often these behaviors are less about codependency and more of a reaction to past trauma.
For more on codependency, codependent relationships, and trauma responses, listen to episode 51 of Bad Girlfriend Radio.