Relationships and dating can bring up many of our most difficult, anxious thoughts and feelings. Moreover, having anxiety can make dating and maintaining relationships extremely difficult. But if you struggle with anxiety in intimate relationships, it is possible to have healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Why Love Triggers Anxiety
There are several reasons why romantic relationships trigger anxiety. One of the most deep-rooted explanations has to do with attachment. If you’ve had insecure attachments in the past, you may have developed an anxious attachment style that carries over into future relationships as well. For example, if you had a traumatic upbringing or difficult breakup with an ex, you may now have anxiety in other relationships. This is especially true for romantic relationships, as these relationships can be very intimate and require high levels of trust.
Another reason for relationship anxiety relates to a fear of loss. Oftentimes, more pressure is put on romantic relationships and dates than, say, friendships or an outing with an acquaintance. Many people seek relationships for security and even to achieve personal goals of getting married or having a family. For this reason, then, it can feel like there’s a lot to lose if things don’t go well. This can create a great fear of losing a partner or failing to meet a good partner, which can create added pressure and anxiety.
Finally, dating and relationships can carry a lot of anxiety due to a lack of control. The truth is, there are many aspects of our lives that we don’t have full control over. But consider your career, for example: you can choose to keep applying to positions you like, work to improve your resume, and even create your own business if the position you desire isn’t offered. It may feel like you do have some control over the outcome. With relationships, however, you can only control yourself – you have no control over the other person. You have influence over the relationship, but you still can’t control the other person’s actions or feelings towards you. This can make dating or having a relationship stressful and anxiety-triggering.
11 Common Signs of Relationship Anxiety
Some stress in relationships is to be expected, but sometimes fears and negative thoughts can create a pattern of anxiety. Some signs of relationship anxiety include:
- Putting a lot of value on pleasing others and making them happy, even if it means hurting yourself
- Avoiding getting close or having a pattern of pulling away when relationships become more committed
- Avoiding confrontation or difficult conversations in the relationship
- Becoming extremely emotional when a partner makes a mistake, and reacting by saying or doing things that you regret later
- Feeling skeptical of partners or dates – they’re “too good to be true”
- Spending literally hours of your time analyzing someone’s actions, what they said, how long they took to message back…
- Spending a lot of time preparing for the worst case scenario, such as a breakup or being cheated on
- Having a hard time relaxing during sex/physical intimacy on a regular basis
- Feeling extreme discomfort when your partner doesn’t message or call back quickly
- Worrying about what a partner is doing when they’re not with you
- Feeling physical signs of anxiety (trouble sleeping, muscle tension, dry mouth, lack of energy, tightness in your chest, nausea, acid reflux, etc.) when thinking or talking about dating/your relationship
What To Do
If you identify with some of the common signs of relationship anxiety, this doesn’t mean you can’t date or have a healthy relationship. In fact, even I, as a relationship coach and educator, experience anxiety in my marriage sometimes (for more on my story, listen to Episode 40 of Bad Girlfriend Radio above or here). There are steps you can take to manage your anxiety in dating or maintaining a relationship.
Discover Your Distorted Thoughts
Anxiety typically originates in our negative, distorted thoughts. If you experience anxiety often, you likely have at least one distorted thought that you carry around with you. It can be difficult to recognize your own distorted thoughts, but working with a professional in therapy or coaching can help. Once you are aware of your own thought patterns, you can catch your anxious thoughts when they surface and decide how rational and helpful or irrational and unhelpful they are.
When thinking of my own anxiety and distorted thoughts, I like to imagine a monster (stick with me here!). I imagine that the monster inhabits one room in my head, and they’re an annoying monster who says crazy things, but rather than try to fight the monster, I simply focus on filling the other rooms in my head with healthier thoughts. Which brings me to my next step…
Accept Your Anxiety
Experiencing anxiety doesn’t mean you are broken and need to be fixed. If you have worked with a professional and still have anxious thoughts sometimes, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. Considering the monster taking up one room in your head, that monster may never completely go away, and that’s okay. Anxious thoughts and feelings are usually temporary. Instead of working to chase them away, then, simply watch them. If you feel physical sensations of anxiety like tightness in your chest, simply breathe and let the feeling pass. The more that you can accept your anxiety, surprisingly, the less power it has over your life.
Go Slow
When it comes to dating and relationships specifically, take it slow. If you find that you experience anxiety when getting to know someone new, take time between dates to check in with yourself. Spend time away from the relationship, journaling and challenging the anxious thoughts that come up.
Examine the thoughts and fears triggering the anxious response, and decide if they are from your own experiences and past attachments, or if they are triggered by your partner. For example, you may experience anxiety while dating because you worry that you’ll be rejected. This type of fear is likely the result of your own experiences and beliefs. However, if you are experiencing anxiety in your relationship after a partner has repeatedly betrayed you, for example, it is not your responsibility to manage the issue alone. In this case, the issue is more about broken trust rather than relationship anxiety. When you go slow and take time to check in with your thoughts and feelings, you are able to make better judgements about the relationship and yourself.