I’ve talked before about how important clear communication skills are in relationships. But just because honest and direct communication is necessary doesn’t mean all honest and direct communication is productive.
Sometimes, an attempt to speak our minds clearly leads to using criticism. Then, this criticism is often met with defensiveness, leading to a spiral of criticism-defensiveness-criticism-defensiveness. This type of argument often has no resolution until this criticism-defensiveness dance stops. Here, I’ll tell you how to spot these two communication mistakes and how to swap them with better, healthier habits.
Criticism: An Unmet Need in Disguise
A lot of arguments start with criticism. And while negative feedback in the form of complaints can be useful in expressing our needs and feelings, criticism typically fails to do this, instead creating a larger fight.
That’s because criticism focuses on attacking the other person as a whole. Criticism uses words like “always” and “never” to generalize someone’s behavior and attack it. Critical statements also tend to focus on the person through describing their personality or identity. For example, calling someone lazy, selfish, or simply telling them they’re a bad partner is criticism.
On the other hand, a productive complaint focuses on a particular action, such as forgetting an anniversary or not helping with washing the dishes. But once this kind of complaint starts seeing the other person’s behavior in black-and-white (“You always forget our anniversaries!” or, “You never help clean the house!”), it becomes a counterproductive criticism.
Defensiveness: A Quick Way to Disconnect & Protect
Defensiveness may occur with or without a triggering criticism from someone else. Either way, defensiveness is used as a way to protect ourselves during a conflict. It’s like putting up a wall to guard against someone else’s comments, keeping both people disconnected and unable to see the other side.
Defensiveness usually tries to shift the blame onto someone or something else. It may look like denying a problem or blaming the other person for being too sensitive. It may also involve using a past conflict to justify the current issue. In general, defensiveness involves counterattacking and refusing to take responsibility. This may lead to the other person becoming even more critical, prolonging the criticism-defensiveness pattern in the argument.
How to Stop the Criticism-Defensiveness Dance
Criticism and defensiveness can exist without the other, but often they work hand-in-hand, trapping couples in long, drawn-out fights with no resolution. That’s why it’s important for both partners to work to replace these communication mistakes with better, healthier patterns.
For the critical partner, focus on the verb rather than the adjective. In other words, focus on attacking a recent action, not the person’s character. Refrain from using generalizing words like “always” and “never.” Say things like, “I’m feeling unimportant because you forgot our date,” rather than, “You’re so irresponsible and you always forget about me.” Make sure to emphasize your feelings and perspective more than simply putting down the other person’s wrongdoing.
For the defensive partner, if you’re feeling attacked, ask your partner to rephrase what they said without criticism. Explain that you’re willing to listen and engage in the conversation when it can be started in a different way. If you feel a natural urge to defend yourself even without criticism, shift the focus away from the temptation to explain yourself by asking questions. Calmly and empathetically ask your partner for more details on their complaint, how they’re feeling, and what they would like you to do different next time. This gives you time to listen to them without shifting the blame. If you’re still feeling hurt and defensiveness after hearing their responses, request to have a short time to think about their comments while cooling down. Then, return to the conversation when you’re feeling calmer and more level-headed.