Do you have different goals than your partner? Or do your dreams clash with your partner’s dreams? You’re not alone. Today, as women have become more ambitious in breaking those glass ceilings (thankfully!), we have more options than ever before. But that means that agreeing with our partners about the future can be more difficult than ever before, too.
What Support Looks Like
If you find yourself disagreeing with your partner about the future, you may feel that they don’t support you, even if your dreams are really important to you. But do you support their visions too? More importantly – and more basically – do you each want to see each other succeed and be happy? This is fundamental. You must respect each other’s happiness and ideas, even if the details aren’t what you expected. If you or your partner is experiencing some resentment at the thought of the other succeeding, that’s a red flag. Or if one person in the relationship is using control and power to limit the other, that’s a red flag too. But if you genuinely want to support each other, but are scared or confused at having clashing goals, let’s dive deeper into what fears and values are driving you on different paths.
Fears Hold Us Back
Whether it’s your partner who can’t agree with your dreams, or it’s you who is scared of your partner’s ambitions, we often have fears about the future. Even when considering your own future decisions and goals, it can be challenging to let go of fears and caution. But when combining that with another person’s ideas, too, it can be extra stressful.
Consider how you feel when your partner discusses their dreams. Do you feel anxiety? Worry? Left out and hurt? Then consider how your partner may be feeling. If they can’t accept your goals, there may be fears holding them back.
Discussing your anxieties about the future is easier said than done. That’s why I created a free worksheet to break down fears and help with goal planning as a couple. Some common fears that keep couples fighting about the future include:
- breaking up as a result of “outgrowing” each other
- being too busy for each other once one partner starts working towards and reaching their goals
- experiencing drastic changes in the relationship and shared lifestyle
- receiving negative feedback and judgments from other people, such as family or friends
- losing financial security or disagreeing on money matters
- running out of time for a future goal or dream
- losing freedom and feeling limited
- relinquishing a role or identity in the relationship (such as expecting to be the “breadwinner” but giving that up when the other partner starts out-earning them)
Values Drive Us Forward
If fears hold us back and keep us cautious, values motivate us and propel us forward. Almost everything we do has some value behind it. Getting out of bed in the morning to go to work may be driven by a value of earning money and fulfilling a duty. Eating salad with lunch may be driven by a value of maintaining physical health. Meeting up with friends may be driven by a value of friendship and community. Apologizing during an argument may be driven by a value of kindness and maintaining harmony.
There are values that drive big future decisions too. As I mentioned before, you can download the free PDF worksheet to help you and your partner better understand your fears and values in future planning. You can download it, print it out, and work through the questions to find the values driving you as individuals, as well as the ones you share.
Simply saying that a goal is important doesn’t explain why. Understanding the value behind the goal helps to strip away the details and find what we really need from the future. If you tell your partner you want to move abroad, for example, they may be upset or even accuse you of being selfish. But if they can understand that you deeply value adventure and variety, they can see that this is a part of you, your personality, and your personal needs. Then, they may be more supportive of your dream, or you may be able to work together to find a solution that offers you the adventure you’re looking for while also honoring your partner’s values.
Some examples of values include:
- stability
- work/life balance
- independence
- family
- physical health
- mental health
- fun and adventure
- friendship and community
- learning and skill expansion
While we’re on the topic of values, to navigate the future together, it’s also important that both you and your partner highly value your relationship together. If one person puts a high value on the relationship, while the other is less sure or committed, a one-sided relationship dynamic is likely to become the norm. Both partners must be able to make space for the other in their future and work to have each other in their lives, despite changes and growing pains.
Be Open to the Unexpected
After considering the fears and values that push and pull your expectations and ideals, the small details should seem less significant. For example, the specific place you live, the exact age at which you get married, the number of children you have, or even the precise job title you hope to have aren’t as important as the values behind it. Letting go of some control is necessary in having a healthy relationship. If you maintain your values, while respecting your partner’s, the details won’t matter as much.
A key part of a loving and committed relationship is the ability to sacrifice and compromise. But trust me, I’ve made the mistake myself in the past of being too giving. Back then, I only considered my partner’s dreams, and kept my own dreams small and simple. Remember, both partners must be willing to be flexible, sacrifice at least to some extent, and be open to the unexpected. If a sacrifice is too big to make, consider if it’s doable if given an expiration date. For example, if one person is dreaming of taking a job in a new city, while the other wants to stay in their hometown, a possible agreement is to move but only for a limited amount of time, such as a year.
Another way to tackle this same example is to consider the values behind taking the new position and adjusting accordingly. If the value is that the position offers job advancement and business success, see if there are other nearby job openings that would offer a similar opportunity without relocating.
So remember: stay open and flexible, and be ready to adjust and compromise. But it’s also important to be aware of what you can’t give up. You are allowed to say no and be clear and unapologetic about what is important to you.
To download the Couples’ Goal Planning Worksheet from the resource library, click here.