Sometimes, the role of romantic partners gets blurred with the roles and behaviors of a parent and child. This could show up as one partner acting like the nagging, overpowering parent, and the other becoming more passive or even fighting back in ways similar to how a child would behave (think of an adult temper tantrum or the silent treatment). It could also be that one partner feels like they have to be the more responsible one and carry a lot of the weight of the relationship, while the other partner seems too immature to be depended on. One way or another, it can become straining in a romantic relationship when partners function less like lovers and more like mommy-and-baby (or daddy-and-baby).
When Caring For A Partner Becomes Unhealthy: Common Scenarios
Without some interdependence, relationships would feel pretty superficial and shallow. The goal, then, isn’t for us to become totally self-sufficient and emotionally independent. But allowing, or even expecting, a partner to be responsible for managing the other person and their emotions can quickly become unhealthy. This kind of dynamic often involves both partners sub-consciously taking on these parent/child roles, where one partner takes responsibility for the other’s emotional wellbeing, soothing in a way similar to how a parent would, and the other enabling or accepting that management from the parental partner.
But as adults, we must know how to self-care and not just look to someone else to correct our emotions. In fact, what we need to focus on as adults is acceptance of our feelings. It’s not about escaping all suffering and struggle. And the focus shouldn’t be on how our partner will react when we’re feeling bad. We must accept our own feelings and our own experiences. Meanwhile, allowing ourselves to receive support from a partner, rather than looking to our partner to numb our pain like medicine, can be a part of a healthy, trusting bond.
Aside from emotional management, parenting behavior can also come up in lighter, everyday situations too. Think of if one person is nagging the other to do housework. One partner is likely not pulling their weight around the house, while the other is trying to manage and pressure their partner. Or it could be that one person doesn’t make any attempt to cook by themselves, because they expect that the other person will do it for them. For more advice on dividing housework, check this link here.
Managing each other in a parent/child dynamic could also have to do with making decisions. The “child” in the relationship may want their partner’s opinion and approval on nearly everything. This could keep them too afraid to make decisions on their own. Then, the other partner may feel stressed and frustrated by having to make their own decisions plus their partner’s decisions.
There are several other similar examples: maybe one person is really bad at managing money and the other partner tries to direct them on how to save money better or how to earn more money, for instance. Or maybe one partner struggles to develop their own interests and goals, always looking to their partner’s ideas for guidance.
Why We Start Parenting Partners (and Accept Being Parented)
Why do we start taking on this parent/child relationship in our romantic relationship? First, let’s take a look back at when we were really children.
Usually in childhood, we expect that our parents will protect us, guide us, help make decisions for us, and soothe us. When we’re physically hurt, they hug us, maybe put a bandaid on our cut, and just comfort us all around. But also emotionally, they do the same, or at least that’s what is typically expected. We need that, as children, because we’re young and we don’t know how to manage our own emotions yet. In scary and emotional experiences, parents help soothe us and show us that everything will be okay. Then as adults we should, in theory, be better equipped to face challenges.
But it’s not always that simple. Maybe a child instead has a really overbearing parent, or what we could call a “helicopter parent,” who is way too involved in helping control and manage the child’s emotions and safety. Rather than soothing to empower the child, so the child can later face more things in life by themselves, they may soothe in a way that doesn’t allow the child any opportunity to learn how to soothe themselves. They, whether they meant to or not, might be making their child dependent on only them for comfort or guidance in tough situations, so the child can’t grow up knowing how to be more independent.
Or there could also be situations where attachment bonds between the child and parent were not formed in a secure way. For example, if a parent was inconsistent in giving affection or often unavailable, this can create a lot of insecurity in childhood, and later in adulthood too. And in adulthood, the next relationship that is as bonded as the relationship we had to our parents is our romantic relationship. In romance, then, it can be easy to take on old roles and be inspired by the relationship we had with our own parents. If your partner had an overprotective parent who didn’t really empower them to be able to manage themselves, or if they had a parent who wasn’t consistent, they may seem needy, insecure, or emotionally immature at times.
And another facet of this has to do with gender. Assuming most of us grew up with some mother and father figure, we often base our understanding of the opposite sex on how our opposite sex parent showed up in our childhood. So if you had a caring, soft, kind father, that’s probably the standard you set for all men. But if your father was absent, you might not necessarily think all men will be absent, but you might be extra cautious choosing a man because you don’t want to repeat that kind of relationship. And for our boyfriends or husbands, too, they might want a really maternal partner, even if they aren’t even consciously aware of it.
Similarly, you may have grown up feeling like you had to be responsible for others from a really young age depending on how available your parents were, and a similar pattern could then be repeated with your partner as an adult. Even if you hate it, and you don’t want to be the caretaker in your romantic relationship, in a weird kind of way, and at the subconscious level, you may have gravitated toward this. Be aware of that and how both you and your partner, and your own histories, may be affecting the roles you’re taking on now.
Why You Should Stop Parenting Your Partner
Chances are you’re reading this because you’re not satisfied with the parent/child roles taking over your love life. And feeling dissatisfied or uncomfortable with it makes sense.
Parenting each other takes away that feeling of romance and attraction you have for each other. In fact, one of the first things to often be impacted by parenting a partner is your sex life. Think about it: you want to be intimate with an adult, not a child, right? And your partner doesn’t want to, you know, sleep with his mom (I’m cringing as I write this). So if you’ve spent the evening nagging your partner, while they’re acting immaturely or irresponsibly, it’s not going to help you feel attracted to each other and connected when you go to bed later that night. And of course, this kind of dynamic can also kill a sense of equality. It typically starts to feel like one person is carrying more weight than the other, or one person is the weaker link. And communication can also be negatively affected too, where one person habitually talks down to the other, and the other might start getting defensive or shutting down. Then, it’s more likely that the “child” partner will start withholding information and even telling lies to their intrusive “parent” partner. So bad dynamic, bad sex life, bad communication, no sense of partnership – it’s sounding pretty bad at this point, right?
How to Stop Being Your Partner’s Second Mom
There are ways to stop parenting your partner. If you’re acting like a parent to your significant other because you feel the need to parent them into being your ideal partner, like the partner you’re looking for, evaluate that. Think: if you stand back a bit and let them make more decisions on their own, even if you think they’re not the right decisions, or you let them be a bit irresponsible without nagging or pressuring them to change, would you still feel the same way about them? Would you still be able to be with them? You may feel like you need to guide them to be better, and to be better for you as your partner too, but they may also grow reliant on you to always be there to remind them who to be for you and how to act. If you don’t want to continue this pattern into your future, probably for basically the rest of your relationship, now is the time to stop. I’m not saying break up, but evaluate the relationship, think about your partner as they naturally are without your help or without trying to change them, and change the parenting and child pattern between you.
Also think if there is some aspect of parenting your partner that makes you feel comfortable or safe. What fears might you have about changing that dynamic in your relationship? Are your worried you’ll feel less bonded without this child-like dependence from your partner? Are you scared you won’t need each other as much? Are you scared of losing them? Are you worried you’ll upset your partner? There may be a part of you that sees treating your partner like a child to be out of love, some kind of maternal comforting love. You may imagine that this is positive for them and it feels comfortable for you in some way too. So get honest with yourself about that and the possibility that you may be doing this to try to fulfill yourself in some way too. There are other ways you can express love to your partner that still give them space and an opportunity to take care of themselves. And I can assure you, you have more to offer your partner just by being who you are than acting like a mother figure. You don’t need to take on that kind of role to keep your partner or to stay committed to one another.
So if you’re ready to let go, and to stop this parent/child dynamic in your relationship with your partner, I have a few tips you can follow to start changing your relationship now.
1. Change Your Communication
First, think about how you communicate and what kind of language you use. It may have become a habit to talk down to your partner, verbally correcting them or not taking what they say seriously. Or you may nag them to get things done. But nagging changes the dynamic from that of equal partners to a dynamic where one person has more authority than the other. So instead of nagging, bring them back to their actual adult role and role as your partner by presenting problems to them and asking for their input on how to solve the problem. Push them to think for themselves. Don’t think for them, and don’t tell them what needs to get done. They need to be able to recognize issues and be motivated to solve them on their own. So it’s fine – actually, it’s great – to communicate to them a problem or an area where you need them to perform some action, but give them more space to solve it themselves.
2. Set Boundaries
Another way of communicating effectively without nagging over and over is to get really clear on boundaries. If there is a pattern that’s been established where your partner just does not try, and you’ve already communicated your concern and your feelings about it with them, set boundaries. Tell them you can help them with one thing, but this other thing they have to do alone. Or for housework, for example, you can agree to cleaning the bathroom, but they must clean up the kitchen on their own. Or if you’re making most of the decisions in your relationship, you could gently encourage them to decide on their own without your guidance and offer support to whatever decision they make. Where you have trouble areas, set those boundaries and communicate them to your partner.
When setting boundaries, make sure to approach them with honesty and in a way that communicates how crossing the boundary hurts you. Without a little bit of vulnerability, you may risk sounding like a stern, authoritative mother yet again. The point, remember, is not to pressure or control them, but to protect yourself. You don’t need to play victim, of course, but show your softness and vulnerability in this situation, instead of going cold and strict.
3. Let Your Partner Make Mistakes
Your partner must learn for themselves what they haven’t already learned, without your overprotective or limiting interference. Allow them to make those mistakes sometimes. And if they’ve been quite dependent on you, and see you back off a bit, they might start to feel that sense of responsibility kick in. Then, on their own, they’ll be better able to make the right decisions or do things independently more. It might just take them a little more time to reach the finish line than it does for you, but you also might be surprised once you give them space that they can handle a lot more on their own than you thought before.
4. Remember: You Deserve a Partner
Finally, if your partner is acting immature in a way that directly hurts you, realize that you do deserve better. Mature, adult relationships involve compromise, and they require being able to express honest feelings and opinions with kindness. It shouldn’t be where one person is supporting the other, but where both partners support each other. Relationships need two people who are emotionally available and can approach conflict and struggles with compassion.
Childish behavior like acting defensively, making disrespectful and petty comments, or treating your partner like a scapegoat (imagine how some teenagers often blame their parents for a lot of their problems and growing pains) shouldn’t have a place in your relationship. Basically, your partner shouldn’t be acting like a teenager or a child, especially in a way that leaves you feeling uncared for, neglected, and burdensome to your partner. So if your partner struggles with expressing feelings maturely, having productive conversations together, listening when something is bothering you, or if they usually respond negatively during arguments, I still encourage you to take my previous advice of giving them a bit more space, letting them make more decisions on their own, letting them make more mistakes on their own – but you deserve a partner by your side.
If you haven’t discussed your concerns with your partner already, I encourage you to do so, but it might take time to patch up this kind of dynamic. And you may want to get some help from a therapist too, because there might be a lot happening under the surface that could be causing your partner to struggle with things like emotion management. Like I mentioned before, a lot of what we learn about relationships is established when we’re children, so be patient, encourage change, and remember you deserve a loving, adult partner.