Subconscious beliefs are hidden beliefs that you likely don’t even realize that you have. They’re often so deeply embedded in your brain, they just seem natural or instinctive to you. But chances are, your subconscious beliefs developed during points of vulnerability in your life, such as when you were a child or during traumatic events. These beliefs help us to survive during these times, but in the long-run, these beliefs often limit us and our relationships.
If you feel stuck in your love life, if you feel like you keep meeting the same type of person on dates, or if you keep repeating the same fight with your partner, there’s likely a hidden unconscious belief at play. Here are some common examples in dating and relationships – and remember, these beliefs aren’t true, nor are they healthy.
If I don’t control them, they’ll control me.
What it means: If I let my partner do whatever they want, they’ll end up hurting me. If I control their actions, they can’t hurt me and I’ll feel more in control over my own emotions. If I can’t control their actions, I’ll try to control their emotions and make them feel bad before they can make me feel bad.
What it looks like: Limiting a partner’s time with friends, making threats, guilt-tripping, breaking up before the other partner can initiate a breakup
If I open up, they’ll hurt or reject me.
What it means: I think I’m not lovable. When I am honest about my identity, opinions, and feelings, others use that information against me or abandon me for it. It’s better to guard myself.
What it looks like: Withholding information, avoiding sharing controversial or different opinions, locking away secrets about your past
I can’t trust anyone. Relationships are dangerous.
What it means: I’ve been betrayed or I’ve seen loved ones be betrayed, and now I fear all relationships are like this. Spaces that are supposed to be safe, like romantic relationships, are, in fact, dangerous.
What it looks like: Avoiding any potential partner that seems “too good to be true,” partnering with others who remind you of people from past traumas, avoiding committed relationships altogether
My needs are shameful or invalid.
What it means: When I’ve been hurt or needed comfort in the past, I didn’t get the response I wanted. My needs were ignored, I was told to not cry when I was sad, or I was ridiculed for needing attention. In some cases, I may have been in an environment where the culture around me only treated group needs as valid and individual needs as unimportant or invalid.
What it looks like: You may try to suppress your feelings, which could result in some unhealthy behaviors such as depending on substances or quick fixes and highs to distract from your feelings.
I’ll lose myself in a committed relationship.
What it means: I’m scared to lose myself, my identity, and my mental or emotional stability in relationships. I’ve been in relationships where I sacrificed too much or lost sense of who I was and what I wanted, and I don’t want that to happen again. But the only way I know to avoid losing myself is to avoid being close to someone else.
What it looks like: Entering into uncommitted, casual relationships, and leaving them when they seem to be getting serious
Real love hurts.
What it means: If someone loves you, they will act erratically, aggressively, or controlling in order to keep you. I learned this from watching painful relationships growing up, or I felt this myself in a past relationship. Relationships are tumultuous, so a calm relationship isn’t “real” love. I don’t feel valuable to someone if they don’t show their “love” in potentially abusive ways.
What it looks like: Avoiding potential partners who seem safe and secure, staying in abusive relationships but excusing the abuse as “passion,” judging other relationships as being “boring” and lacking “real” love
I have to work to keep people close. I must regularly demonstrate my value.
What it means: My value to others is conditional, and I must meet these conditions. If I work hard to make others happy, they’ll recognize my value and love me more. This is the way to avoid being rejected or abandoned.
What it looks like: Doing favors for others hoping to gain their positive feedback as a result, excessively sacrificing what you want or need in order to make someone else happy, feeling scared that you’ve disappointed someone when you don’t receive praise