Hey, you: Stop. Being. Nice. Seriously, your relationships are depending on it.
This doesn’t mean you have to start being mean. But between being passive and aggressive, there’s a sweet spot of assertiveness, and once you practice being assertive, you’ll see just why it’s so important in how you connect and interact with others.
Are you passive, aggressive, or assertive?
When it comes to communication and conflict, how assertive are you? For many women, we aren’t taught how to be assertive. Instead, we’re often conditioned to be nice, quiet, and generous. While this may sound, well, nice, this can encourage passivity. For those who are passive, they may try to avoid conflict and keep the peace as much as possible. They may find themselves putting others’ needs before their own, and their self-sacrificing ways may lead to anxiety and resentment.
For those who are aggressive, they do the complete opposite: they are out to win, even if it means the other person loses. They want what they want, and they will use their power to get it. They are no stranger to sticking up for themselves and being loud and clear about their opinions. While strength is a virtue, aggression often distracts others from seeing the true message under it. Aggressive communication may involve criticism, blaming, sarcasm, and belittling the other person, making them more likely to get defensive than to really understand what the aggressive partner is needing.
Assertiveness combines the best parts of passivity and aggression: it is kind, but not polite. It means honoring your own needs, but also respecting others’ needs too. Being assertive involves being honest, communicating clearly, and treating others as equals. Where passivity often rests on conflict-avoidance and people pleasing and aggression rests on trying to gain control in an interaction, assertiveness is all about you. Being assertive isn’t about trying to manipulate the other person’s actions or thoughts. Instead, it’s all about you staying in control of yourself.
Examples of Assertive Behavior
- Collaborating and compromising to find a win-win solution
- Saying “no” when you want to say no, and saying “yes” when you want to say yes
- Setting boundaries and consequences for when they’re crossed – and following through with them
- Facing conflict, taking responsibility, and apologizing
- Expressing feelings, thoughts, and needs clearly and openly
- Making the first move to meet someone new or develop a relationship, rather than waiting on the other person to take action
- Making decisions based on your own personal values and needs
- Showing gratitude and appreciation
- Taking turns listening and speaking, especially during conflict
How Assertiveness Benefits Your Love Life
There are several benefits of behaving assertively in dating and relationships. First and perhaps most basic, assertiveness promotes honesty, trust, and authenticity. Because clear communication and collaboration are major parts of behaving assertively, it makes it easier to work together and create a sense of security together. Assertiveness also decreases anxiety. In fact, assertiveness training was originally devised as a treatment for social anxiety. Assertiveness also creates more equal and balanced relationships. Compared to aggressive conflict styles, assertive communication is less likely to result in explosive fights or manipulative mind games. And finally, being assertive means you’re more likely to actually get what you want! When you act assertively, you are comfortable making requests and discussing your needs and desires. Even when the other person can’t fulfill your request, they may be able to offer another option. Similarly, when you use assertiveness, you can set boundaries, which allows you to remain more in control over yourself and the situations you allow yourself to enter.
While you may use all three of these communication and conflict styles at different times, there is likely one style that you favor most. Are you passive, aggressive, or assertive? Take the quiz in the digital resource library to find out!