Mind games are behaviors that lack authenticity, mislead someone else, and are typically used as a strategy. These games are confusing and often manipulative, and they can leave the other person feeling powerless and questioning the relationship and the other person’s intentions.
Healthy relationships require honesty, authenticity, and clear communication, and mind games have none of these. Yet in modern dating culture, some mind games are completely normalized. In fact, not playing a mind game to some extent, instead being honest and direct about interest in another person, can be shamed or seen as desperate. But the truth is, in order to establish real connection, misleading mind games eventually must be abandoned in favor of authenticity. So I am encouraging you to stop playing mind games today, now, whether you’re the one initiating them or the one getting played by them.
Common Mind Games
Playing Hard-to-Get
Playing hard-to-get is common in the early stages of dating, but it can also be used in an already-existing relationship too. This mind game is a way of communicating to the other person that you’re unavailable in order to make them work harder to “get” you. It looks like purposely delaying calling or messaging back, leaving messages on read, saying you’re busy when you’re not, or avoiding initiating future dates or plans together.
Sending Mixed Signals
This hot-and-cold behavior can be extremely confusing for the person on the receiving end. Someone may seem interested, then uninterested or too busy for a relationship, then available again, then they disappear, then they’re interested again… You get it. Just like with playing hard-to-get, this kind of behavior can pressure the other person to try harder or to directly confront the game player for clarification. Though it sounds manipulative, this behavior may also be used by someone who truly doesn’t know what they want in a relationship. Perhaps they can see the good and bad in a relationship or potential partner, so they fluctuate in their actions as they’re unsure how to proceed.
Silent Treatment
You likely already know this mind game: when someone is upset, especially after an explosive fight, they stop talking and give the silent treatment to the other person. This mind game is usually used to try to get the other person to pursue the silent partner even more, and they’re often left trying to guess what is bothering them. Though it is reasonable and even healthy to pause an unproductive argument and stop talking for some time, the silent treatment is different, because it continues the conflict. It is done with the expectation that the other person will beg for them to start talking again and continue pursuing until they do so.
Love Bombing
Love bombing can occur at the start of a relationship or while getting to know each other. This mind game involves one person showering the other with excessive affection and love, but it’s all inauthentic. Love bombing can be used to try to win someone over and make them feel cared for, even when there is no intention of having a committed relationship. This mind game can also, in some cases, be used when someone is interested in someone else, but their feelings stop in infatuation, never progressing to a more sustainable relationship. These people may lack self-awareness and not realize that this love bombing – and their excitement for the other person – will be short-lived.
Breadcrumbing
In breadcrumbing, one person offers very little to the other person, just to keep them around but without having to make any promises or commitments. They may send messages, for example, but never go as far as making real plans to spend time together. These people may enjoy the validation that they feel from talking and flirting, but they don’t want to (or aren’t able to) make any sacrifices or commitments that the other person desires. Instead of communicating this to the other person, they instead just keep offering the bare minimum to keep them hooked.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is an extremely toxic mind game where one person tries to convince the other that they are mentally unstable or crazy. The gaslighter may deny events that happened, or they may project their own actions onto the victim. They are also very likely to use lies to manipulate the other person. The lies may start off small, and when the other person doesn’t believe them, the gaslighter will tell them that they just don’t remember or they weren’t listening. Then, as bigger lies are told, the victim will start to believe the lies to be true, but they just can’t remember or didn’t listen well enough to remember “correctly.” Gaslighters manipulate the other person into trusting them, while also turning them against other people.
Catfishing
Catfishing is a mind game in online dating, where someone misleads someone else about their identity. The catfish may use fake photos, old photos, a fake name, and other false or misleading information in order to attract people. Those people, though, are actually being pulled into a mind game where they believe someone to be one person when, in fact, that’s not an accurate representation of who they really are.
Making Empty Threats
Making threats in order to manipulate or control someone is a toxic mind game, and one common example of this is threatening to break up when you don’t actually have intentions of breaking up. In this case, the person making the threat may actually want to get closer to the other person, or they may want the other person to be more active in the relationship. Out of desperation, they may make this empty threat to break up, then, in order to get the other person’s attention and affection. Though the threat is about ending the relationship, in actuality they may want to re-establish commitment, and they use this mind game to do so.
Reasons for Playing Mind Games
Relationships with mind games are often toxic or filled with conflict. Still, it may help to understand why people play these games in the first place, in order to get down to their true need and find alternative behaviors.
One reason for mind games is a fear of rejection. When someone is afraid of being rejected, they may use mind games to keep themselves protected and in control. Then, if they are rejected, they can use mind games as an emotional buffer. In other words, by being dishonest and holding back (such as with playing hard-to-get or sending mixed signals), they can say that they weren’t really rejected, because the other person didn’t get to see the “real” them anyway. Or, if they were sending mixed signals or breadcrumbing, they can even tell themselves that they rejected the other person instead of being rejected.
Along with being afraid of rejection, using these mind games can also make the player look and feel more powerful, and therefore, they may appear more valuable to others.
Some mind games may also be the result of the player not knowing what they want. This is particularly true for sending mixed signals, where the confusing signals may be a reflection of that person’s actual feelings of confusion and uncertainty about the relationship. If someone is afraid of commitment, but they want attention or validation, they may use mixed signals or breadcrumbing to feel connected but at a distance. This may be the case for some people with an avoidant attachment style.
A desire to manipulate others in order to achieve something can be a reason to turn to using mind games. Some mind games are used in order to hurt or control the other person, and though this behavior is certainly not excusable, this need to hurt or control may come from deeper issues. For example, the game player may feel that the other person will leave them, so they use mind games to manipulate them into staying. They may also be feeling powerless within the relationship, so they start playing mind games in order to gain back power and control.
Toxic masculinity and toxic gender norms can also be one reason why someone might use mind games. This is especially true in hookup culture, where people (especially women) are objectified and seen as an object to be won. In dating cultures where “winning” someone else (whether that be getting their phone number, getting them to swipe right on you, or getting them to have sex with you) is celebrated, manipulative behaviors may be used to lure them in.
Aside from gaining status, people may use mind games to try to “win” someone’s attention or validation because they themselves lack self-esteem. In order to feel worthy and confident, they may use mind games to get someone interested in them, and then pull away once they’ve achieved a feeling of being wanted and validated.