Loneliness may seem like the same thing as being alone, but it’s not that simple. It’s possible to be alone without feeling loneliness, like when enjoying solitude. In fact, having time to ourselves in solitude can help us be mentally healthier because it allows us the time to reflect, get to know ourselves, and spend time on the activities we enjoy without needing anyone’s permission to do so.
But loneliness is different from solitude. What makes loneliness feel bad is that it stems from a lack of connection to other people. Humans are social creatures, so we crave connection when we lack it. It may seem, then, that just simply going out, talking to people, and making new friends is the solution to loneliness. In reality, there are some patterns and subconscious beliefs that may keep us feeling trapped in loneliness.
Common Beliefs That May Be Making You Lonely
Loneliness Shame
Once you notice that you’re lonely, while it seems that everyone else is out having fun or settling down with their signifiant others, you might start to feel different. You may start to feel embarrassed for being alone, and you may also start to experience shame in being left out. Once you experience this shame and start to believe that something is wrong with you (spoiler: there isn’t), it can become even harder to feel confident in socializing. This shame may keep you from putting yourself out there and reconnecting with others, keeping you feeling lonely.
Building Walls
If you have trouble trusting others and keep yourself guarded, it may be hard to connect with others. If you make people have to work to get to know you by building walls around yourself, you may find that not many people are able to get over those same walls. Some people may feel uncomfortable getting close to others, or they may shun dependence, such as some with avoidant attachment styles, for example. But the same ways that we try to protect ourselves and keep space from other people may also isolate and hurt us in the long-run.
Me vs. Them
If you experience chronic loneliness, you may have developed a mindset that you are the odd one out and everyone else is generally the same – they are the majority, you are the minority. They are society, you are an outsider. When we falsely see the world this way, it’s easy to start believing that we’re at a disadvantage, like everyone else is somehow better at socializing. Then, you may find yourself waiting to be saved by someone in the “majority group,” disempowering yourself from making connections on your own.
Social Perfectionism
You may be holding yourself back from making new friends or meeting new dates until the conditions are perfect. You may believe that you’re not good enough yet and you need to work on yourself more. Or you may believe that other people aren’t good enough, and you’re waiting for someone who meets your ideal conditions. Either way, the truth is, there will never be perfect people or perfect relationships.
Being Inauthentic
If you find yourself constantly worrying what others think, you may struggle with being inauthentic. As I said before, loneliness comes from a lack of connection. Even if you interact with people regularly, you may still feel lonely if you can’t connect with them. One key ingredient to connection is authenticity. Instead of turning to people pleasing and politeness, being yourself creates true connection with others.
Black-and-White Thinking
Once you feel lonely, you may start to look at the world in black-and-white. You may start to feel that, because you’re feeling lonely, you’re all alone without any meaningful relationships. If you haven’t seen a friend in a while, you may start to assume that they are simply not in your life anymore and you are no longer friends. Black-and-white thinking says that you have plenty of friends and relationships, or you’re entirely on your own. In reality, relationships aren’t this black-and-white. You may feel lonely but still have meaningful relationships, for example, or you may feel lonely but actually have people in your life who would love to hear from you, even if you haven’t spoken lately.
How to Feel Less Lonely
Loneliness may feel painful and even shameful, but consider this: feeling lonely means that you are functioning exactly as humans are intended to function. While you may feel broken for feeling lonely, in actuality, all the pieces are working together to signal to you that you need a little more connection. This is a completely normal and even healthy response.
And the truth is, you’re not alone in feeling alone. Loneliness is a feeling that everyone will experience at some point, and it’s okay. You don’t need to control or judge your own feelings.
Loneliness may come from comparison: when you compare yourself to others’ experiences (or what you assume others are experiencing, which may be inaccurate anyway), you may feel like you’re missing out on the socializing and dating that others are experiencing. Instead of comparing to others, compare to your past self. Reach out to one more friend today than you did yesterday, or attend one more social event this month than you did last month. Watch your own progress, not what others are doing.
And remember, you are just as empowered as anyone to start forming connections. Maybe you’ve waited for others to reach out to you or make the first move, but you are empowered to be the person to make the first move, too.